


Thelonelymountain.com/webcam

by Oakenbranch



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Bottom Thorin, Clit Vibrators, Dick Pics, Dirty Talk, Fluff, Lingerie, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Phone Sex, Pining, Public Masturbation, Webcam/Video Chat Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-03-19 04:39:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3596691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oakenbranch/pseuds/Oakenbranch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the midst of his boring, repetitive lifestyle, Thorin joins a porn site.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Subscribed.

**Author's Note:**

> [what thorin looks like](https://40.media.tumblr.com/3fb0dcd6ab9c8a716ad0faa03e836e0c/tumblr_nln7pt2DKA1rnw370o1_540.jpg)   
>  [what bilbo looks like ](http://ilarge.listal.com/image/7986845/936full-martin-freeman.jpg)

Thorin wanted to get off to someone else masturbating on camera. Plain and simple.

He’d had the idea while mindlessly scrolling through the “amateur” tag on his usual porn site, one hand at his lips while the other idly rubbed and groped his swelling, clothed groin in between toying with the scroll wheel. Thorin always fancied amateur porn; he liked how the camera didn’t change angles every few seconds, and the raw, genuine moans struck him to his core. Watching an attractive middle-aged couple go at it like they normally would, but with the exception of a camera filming them from the side because they had decided to “spice up their sex life a little bit,” was the easiest thing to bring Thorin to climax.

But he had always neglected the brightly colored “WEBCAM” button in the navigation bar of the home page. It’d never occurred to him before, not until he failed to find anything interesting and nearly opted out of getting off at all. As a last resort, Thorin clicked the tempting, straight-forward font. Rows and rows of icons with what seemed like usernames and star ratings underneath them piled onto his screen. The majority of them displayed women; women laying on their back with their legs splayed and fingers inside themselves, women standing and bending over to show off their supple rears, even some women tantalizingly looking at the camera from within a bath. The few men Thorin saw were all doing the much same thing - jacking off, camera showing their cock, balls, stomach, thighs, and nothing else.

Nothing seemed specifically like anything Thorin would be into, but out of curiosity he clicked a thumbnail of a woman’s ass with her hand clasped firmly on one cheek. Thorin was brought to the page, yes, but not without a pop-up titled “Sign Up!” with boxes for his name, username, email and password. Upon discovering he couldn’t close out of it without making an account, Thorin gave in with a grunt, lifting the hand from his crotch to type in random letters and numbers that would bring him one step closer to an easy orgasm. He clicked next when he had finished, and- of course. Of fucking course. A pop-up asking for his method of payment. Thorin exited the tab with a brief roll of his eyes, only to bring up another and go to Google.

He typed in “webcam porn” and went back to browsing. Clicking a link every now and then, sure, but closing each of them once asked for a method of payment and starting to scroll again. By the time Thorin actually finds a site that doesn’t seem necessarily eager for his money, he isn’t exactly sporting the largest hard-on, or any hard-on at all. Thelonelymountain.com/webcam it reads. It’s not the most… erotic name, Thorin decides, but when he randomly clicks on one picture of many of a man with a hand on his cock, he can actually see it. That’s a plus. The left side of his screen is occupied by a reasonably large, live video of the stranger, while the right appears to be a chatroom. New messages pop up every second as Thorin watches and reads, each username having a different color and each message being written out in a different, self-chosen font.

**polarkity:** such a nice cock daddy ;)))

**Marytitova:** you have the hottest body.

**MisterUnknown:** mmm, i’d let u cum on my face with that nice dick

**xxxxxtits:** Moan for me

Most of the comments made Thorin want to bark with laughter - this might be the first time he’s ever completely broken out in a smile when watching porn. Still, others are tremendously flattering, and there’s even a few longer messages from people explaining how they’d lay down this man and “ride him until he can’t even see stars.” Thorin would admit that, right now, that didn’t seem like a bad idea. If it were happening to him, of course.

Funny comments or not, Thorin figured it was enough to get off. Hooking his thumbs under the waistband of his boxers, he lifted his hips momentarily to wedge down the garment far enough to expose his soft cock and sack. Spitting on his hand, reaching down and taking himself in his palm, he leant back in his chair and began to watch.

A problem. Immediately, a problem. The guy on the camera stopped every ten seconds or so to type a reply back to the chat. Thorin noted that within each of his responses, he stated a specific amount of money he wants to continue. His eyes were drawn to a virtual box labeled “Tips” underneath the video, with a steadily increasing dollar amount within. It was at $185, and Thorin scoffed. With that amount of money, he’d gladly bend over his damn chair and shove a bottle of lube up his ass, not stroke himself a few times and then ask for more. He resolved to look for a more promising stream. Each time, however, it was the same. Someone would play with themselves, stop less than a minute later, and only continue when they’re satisfied with the amount of money they’re earning. An efficient system, sure, but not if Thorin wants to cum to it.

He was about to close out of his internet window completely when his eyes landed on the white text within a red box at the top of the screen, saying “Show yourself!”

Thorin was sure he would kick himself later for genuinely thinking about it, for weighing the risk of showing himself to hundreds of people compared to getting a few hundred bucks by the end of a session. He’d stomp himself to bits, but, just… Later. For now, he clicks the button and gets sent to a page asking him to sign up. Thorin thought himself clever for choosing the username “Kingunderthemountain,” but it’s a short-lived satisfaction compared to the reality of what he was about to do. He was going to show himself to dozens of people, get off, and collect money. It isn’t like he really needed money, no: he’s got a perfectly stable job sitting at an office desk for nine hours a day, reading the same papers over and over and over… and over… Okay, perhaps this was mainly for the excitement.

Either way, once he’s brought to the homepage, with the new addition of his username and blank icon in the corner, Thorin went to select the bright red button once more. What comes up then is a reminder of the terms of service, to which he accepts only after skimming through each bullet point (he normally wouldn’t read it, but he’s being paranoid and cautious). The top of his screen reads “Welcome, Kingunderthemountain!” and another pop-up comes up, this time requesting to connect to his webcam and microphone. After accepting this as well, the rectangle to the left of his webpage is then filled with - well, him. Thorin has a small, old webcam clipped to the upper right of his monitor, currently tilted down to show his bare abdomen, crotch and thigh area. He felt just like every other man on the site: boring. Though, it does look like “boring” is how to get a few bucks and get off at the same time.

Before really doing anything, Thorin explored the page. Scrolling down shows a tab labeled “payment,” and within it he’s told that, if he were to receive any tips, he could then transfer them to his Paypal account. Simple enough. Thorin allowed himself the tiniest smirk as he went back to the top of the screen, and, finally, takes his shirt off to get comfortable.

He paid his computer little attention once he’d got himself in hand and was working himself up to hardness. His head laid comfortably back against his chair, Thorin let himself fantasize.

_**He sits nearly naked atop his desk within his office, the blinds to his windows - which would normally show all of his coworkers - shut, lights off. Hands press against his knees, parting his thighs for the body that would press in between them. Thorin moans as the man’s crotch comes into contact with his own, fingers that very much did not belong to him dipping under the hem of his laced and colored undergarments, tugging down the fabric while a foreign mouth attacked his neck.** _

_**"You want me, don’t you?" murmurs the lips against Thorin’s flushed skin. The stranger moves out from between his limbs momentarily to fully rid Thorin of his coverings before returning with full vigor. A hand comes up under Thorin’s chin to clasp at the sides of his jaw and pull him forward with enough force for him to emit a pitiful mewl. "Say you want my thick cock inside you. Tell me you’d like nothing more than to be bent over this table and royally fucked until you see stars. Come on, you’re gorgeous… You love getting fucked like that. Don’t tell me you don’t."-** _

The virtual sound of a cash register startled Thorin from his short daydream. He opened his eyes (which he hadn’t been aware of closing) and peered forward at his monitor. In the time it took to be sporting a good erection, more than forty people had entered the chat, dozens of messages, and now one hefty tip of $35.

"Jesus," Thorin breathed. Suddenly, there were a few quick messages from someone with an emerald green username.

**Burglahobbit51:** Haha, did i scare you :)?

**Burglahobbit51:** My tip, btw. r u new?

**Burglahobbit51:** I want to hear you moan.

**Burglahobbit51:** Your voice is so deep, i reallyyyyy want you to moan.

Thorin swallowed and contemplated turning off the webcam. His face was burning, his hand completely still on his cock. He’d never felt so utterly embarrassed in his life - Fuck, someone had just paid $35 to hear him moan.

The number changed to $45 moments later.

**Burglahobbit51** : Please??? dont be shy :)

Burglahobbit51 stops after that, in the moments Thorin takes to wonder whether or not this was really worth it. The messages that follow are all lewd and grammarless; compliments to his body hair, his thighs, his cock, just about everything. They all left a dirty taste in Thorin’s mouth and he -… he sat back and continued, this time with his mouth open to let any forthcoming moans slip out.

_**"Yes! Yes, I want it, fuck," Thorin groans as loud as he can with his face grabbed as it was. The man grins filthily and licks his lips, quickly pulling away to take Thorin by the hips and force him off the desk. He’s turned around then, a hand pressing against his back to push him down until his chest slaps against the wood.** _

_**"I fucking knew you would. Fucking slut… As big as you are, so damn handsome, and yet all you want is a good, thick cock up your ass, yeah? God… I bet you’re tight," the stranger grunts, and Thorin can hear wet sounds for a moment before two fingers are pressed into his hole. He jolts forward, crying out and instinctively reaching back to grab the stranger’s wrist and halt him. In return, Thorin’s hand is gripped by the man’s opposite one, and he hisses, "Don’t. It’ll feel good. Promise. I’ll have you screaming like the pretty whore you are before I’ve even gotten inside you." Thorin just barely registers a small kiss placed to his knuckles. He’s released then, and he reaches in front of him to grip the other end of his desk as he’s pried open.** _

_**Two fingers, three, four, each one makes Thorin whine and squirm, and with each noise he gets a firm slap on his ass for being so rowdy and naughty in his own office. By the time the digits are removed from him, he’s panting and rutting back against any pressure he manages to find. When that pressure is finally the blunt head of the man’s girth against his stretched opening, Thorin keens and reaches back once more, this time to grab one of his reddened cheeks and pull himself apart.** _

_**"Yes, yes, yes. Please, please, fuck. Fuck me, make me cum, fuck." Thorin pants and presses the side of his face against the table, unable to shut his mouth and properly breathe through his nose.** _

_**"You damn cockslut. Are you a little cockslut? You want me to cum in you, fill you up and leave you hear to clean up the mess? Fucking say you’re a little cockslut," He slaps Thorin’s ass again, and instead of a cry of pain, it elicits a full-fledged moan.** _

_**"I’m a cockslut! A little cockslut! Fuck- goddammit, shit, please. I’ll be anything, just- just fuck m-" It slips into him without any resistance, and Thorin’s arching his back and crying out. The man grabs Thorin’s shoulder before he begins thrusting, holding his hip with the other hand and pounding into Thorin with everything that he’d promised. Thorin blabbers and whines and attempts some actual language during this, but it all comes out incoherent with his body being forced forward and back with each thrust. The one behind him calls him the dirtiest things; a whore, a slut, his little bitch, anything and everything and it all has Thorin’s voice rising in volume.** _

_**When the stranger’s voice dies down to pants while his sack slaps, slaps and slaps against Thorin’s own and his cock makes moist, slick sounds each time it’s forced into Thorin, he can’t take it anymore. Thorin reaches down and takes himself in his hand-** _

“ _Shit_ ," It came as a whisper when his hand finally comes to a halt around his base, and Thorin cums with his stomach and thighs quivering. He moaned as much as his throat can allow, his raspy voice breaking through the sound of tips flowing into his account.

Once done, Thorin lifted his head and lazily gazed at his Tips count before anything. $210, and the amount of people in the room had increased to a couple hundred, though that number was slowly depleting as they all come to realize the show is over.

Thorin keeps the camera on while he cleans up, careful to keep his face out of view as he drags a tissue across his chest and belly. Once throwing them away and pulling his boxers back up, Thorin looks at the chat before signing off.

**Burglahobbit51** : Fucking gorgeous

**Burglahobbit51** : I think most of those tips were from me??? didnt keep track. u were so loud. loved it.

**Burglahobbit51** : Hope u do this more :) subscribed.

And of course, Thorin’s going to damn well do it more.


	2. Beg.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _**Burglahobbit51:** I want to make you cum_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  for those who like to have a reference, [this is 100% what thorins ass looks like.](https://41.media.tumblr.com/452c056ba6e514bc55a123447656b951/tumblr_nlqyvt8fGY1rnw370o1_540.jpg) have fun!

**Burglahobbit51:** Am i going to make you cum?? ;)

 _Jesus shit_ , he is. Thorin’s going to cum after only minutes like a teenager sexting for the first time. He’s never felt less dignified in his life. The day after his first show, he had told himself not to do this again. He helps run a major company, for God’s sake; if anyone in the press were to found out the efficient and aloof executive gets off on camera in front of hundreds of people, he’d be ruined.

 _But.._. But he couldn’t stop thinking about it. While sitting at his desk during that week, signing off on new procedures to make coal mining more efficient and safe for the public, he doesn’t let his mind wander to what he’ll do over the weekend. He doesn’t even think of how exciting it’d be if an attractive man walked into his office right that minute and bent him over - a usual, repetitive fantasy of his - it’s what  _else_  he can do. What else can he expose, what can he wear, what can he do to have his heart beating so fast, his wallet thickening and his balls tightening all at the same time? This whole ridiculous embarrassing business might be more beneficial than legitimate sex with a person.

Plus, he found out that users can leave comments on his profile, and Burglahobbit51 has given him several. This person (with clearly too much time on his hands) tells Thorin he thought about how beautiful he sounded and how handsome his body looked, how much he wants to see Thorin again. He would’ve-  _should’ve_  thought this all entirely creepy, but… instead he finds himself miserably wanting to please. He’s weak when it comes to compliments.

So, he came up with a better system that week. He ended up dragging a chair to his bedroom, setting it to the edge of his mattress and clipping his webcam to the back of it, as well as switching from his monitor to his laptop. With that setup laid beside him, Thorin could sit in the center of his bed whenever he wanted to… do  _this_ , this thing he really should not be doing.

And now, seen by hundreds of his viewers, Thorin has his ass in the air with his arm between his legs, three fingers mercilessly thrusting into his lubed hole with a continuouswet noise against the flesh there. There’s sweat beginning to bead and moisten under his bent knees, and his back arches downward towards the bed, though occasionally twitches up when he happens to find his good spot. Thorin has his face and shoulders comfortably pressed against a pillow and out of range of the camera, turned to keep an eye on incoming messages within the chat. Admittedly, he’s really only paying attention to the ones from Burglahobbit51 who’s seemed make it his personal goal to make Thorin cum to his comments alone.

 **Burglahobbit51:** Cmon… those juicy thighs of urs are trembling a little from what I can see

 **Burglahobbit51:** U moaned for me before, cant u say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?? cant you tell me you like it when I tell u what to think about in front of all these ppl?

 **Burglahobbit51:** You can say u like the idea of someone u don’t even know ud be attracted to coming over there and fucking u on camera in front of all these ppl :) no judging!

Thorin grunts and momentarily pushes his face against the fabric of his cushion, eyes shut tight as he presses his digits inside himself to the knuckle. Gently massaging his prostate with weak mewls being exhaled into his pillow, Thorin knows he would. Camera or no camera - having hands gripping onto his hips, filthy words whispered into his ear and a decently sized girth ripping him open would have him a blabbering mess within minutes.

Pausing his kneading when one well-angled press elicits a sharp, high pitched whine from his hips and has his hips bucking forward, cock grazing against nothing, Thorin turns and sets his gaze back on his laptop. He raises his free hand to his keyboard.

 **Kingunderthemountain:** no

 **Burglahobbit51:** No? no you wont talk or no you don’t want me coming over?

 **Burglahobbit51:** You just moaned though. Y cant u talk 2???? Youd have my cock even harder

 **Kingunderthemountain:** im not talking

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $80!_ **

**Burglahobbit51:** Youre stubborn

 **Kingunderthemountain:** and youre rich

 **Kingunderthemountain:** & you like my stubbornness I think

 **Burglahobbit51:**  Being stubborn doesn’t mean youre not drop dead sexy … ……

 **Burglahobbit51:**  Speaking of, show your face?? :)

 **Kingunderthemountain:** NO

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $50!_ **

Thorin actually laughs dryly at that and shuts his eyes, moving his hand from his laptop to reach in between his legs and take his erection in hand, beginning to squeeze slowly as his fingers patiently pulled out and surge in again.

Anything,  _anything_. Being shoved against a wall with his mouth devoured and a pelvis rutting against his, deliciously slow; a hand nestled in his hair while his lips parted to willingly take in a heavy girth against his tongue and into his throat; a quick and blind encounter with a stranger inside a public restroom stall that involved his face pressed against the cold porcelain and another man’s spendings on his tailbone after rubbing restlessly against his cheeks. Thorin’s practically drooling on his pillow at the thought, using the hand on his member to reach around to grab his ass, part himself, desperate to press further inside.

Keening when he once again discovers his prostate, Thorin adjusts himself so his knees are further apart before he begins to rock backwards, pressing down and pulling back up with languid movements that have his computer bursting with tip notifications. When he opens his eyes again and focusses on the chat, there are loads of dull and monosyllabic comments on his body and noises, but also vibrant green ones - Thorin’s new favorite color - that nearly fill the chat window and leave him breathless.

 **Burglahobbit51:**  I want to make you cum

 **Burglahobbit51:**  When ur done, I want you to go to my profile and see the pictures of me. Until then just imagine someone ud find attractive, ok? :)

 **Burglahobbit51:** Do you like riding men?? I hope you do. Id like to be sitting on a sofa with you standing in front of me, you being naked and me being fully clothed. With my hands on your hips, id impatiently drag you down on top of me. fuck, your thighs are so gorgeous, theyd be so warm enclosed around my waist… id kiss that beautiful neck of yours, run my hands up and down your back and encourage you to touch or pull my hair (which ever you prefer)

 **Burglahobbit51:** Did you just find your prostate? You look delicious … im considering changing this setup to where youre laying down and im eating you out, but no

 **Burglahobbit51:** id nip and bite down your jawline, neck and collarbone until I can get to those pink nipples where I suck and tease with my teeth until youre whimpering and whining for me to stop out of fear id end up accidentally hurting you-I wont, by the way, unless you want it

 **Burglahobbit51:** Mmm, resting my palms against your fuzzy ass cheeks and playing to my delight, squeezing and groping and slapping a bit… how theyd jiggle and how youd moan my name without any breath in your lungs would get me so hard, my cock pressing against your thigh through my jeans. You could probably make me cum in my pants with those amazing vocals of yours

 **Burglahobbit51:**  Me eventually spreading your ass apart and fingering you, god, id kill to feel what youre feeling now… your tight walls around my fingers, you tightening and relaxing… id want you so bad… you look so tight

Thorin stops with a entranced moan, rolling his hips back harder. His thighs steadily trembled by now, not just the occasional tremors he’d feel whenever brushing his prostate. His girth twitched and jerked upwards as he read, often slapping weakly against his lower belly.

 **Burglahobbit51:**  Those quivering thighs … I want to bite the insides of them so bad. But next time, k?? next time ill talk about sucking you off and licking that cute asshole of yours… maybe you can wear panties in your next streaming. Little pink ones??? :)

 **Burglahobbit51:** But still, opening you up until my fingers feel like theyre about to fall off with how constricted you were. Thank god youre finally ready for me

 **Burglahobbit51:** Would you like it if I ordered you to take my cock out? In the middle of all your moans and whines, id force your hands down and tell you to unbuckle my belt and unbutton my trousers. You know, if you ever wanted to actually be fucked tonight

 **Burglahobbit51:** and god, youd do it so fast, wouldn’t you? Would your fingers tremble with excitement? Would your eyes widen and your tongue moisten when you see how thick I am? Just rise your hips up, okay? Take a deep breath and lower yourself on me, that’s it… take it all in until I bottom out and you feel filled to the brink… god… how much do you think about this when youre alone?

A fourth finger slips into him, and Thorin’s entire lower body convulses. He bites on his lower lip, desperately trying to keep hold of himself with the hand currently not halfway inside himself. He can’t remember ever being so turned on, despite being alone - alone with nearly 400 people watching, to be fair.

 **Burglahobbit51:** With my hands on your narrow hips again, I want you to start riding me. Slowly, at first, of course, get used to it baby, grip my shoulders and kiss me until youre comfortable enough to speed up

 **Burglahobbit51:**  and when you do speed up, shit, youre luxurious, the prettiest thing… from what I hear (what im hearing now, youre so loud, I cant imagine what itd be like if you ever got caught being so thunderous) you’d probably scream as soon as you start feeling good… youd say please over and over, youd ask me to fuck you harder, to pin you somewhere and just have you constantly until your ass hurts and your mind is blank

 **Burglahobbit51:** mmm, say please for me??? I know you probably don’t talk because you don’t want anyone recognizing you, but you aren’t as clever as you like to think. You’ve already cursed too much in the last one, if anything bad was going 2 happen, it would’ve already

 **Burglahobbit51:** So, say please for me… tell me to fuck you harder

**_Purple_pie6 tipped $10!_ **

**_Ericcock tipped $5!_ **

**_Weskip2 tipped $8!_ **

**_Bfonfa tipped $2!_ **

**_Amello31 tipped $12!_ **

**Burglahobbit51:** See :)? Beg for us

“ _Please_!” Thorin huffs with his brows narrowing, finding himself bitter at the sudden goading. Despite it all, however, he’s stilled his body’s movements to go back to thrusting his fingers in himself fast enough to leave his wrist aching. While he panted and nuzzled into the cloth beneath his face, Thorin flushed and gave in.

“Fuck me… Fuck me harder.” Unenthusiastically at first, Thorin struggled over the words before shutting his eyes and losing himself in everything just described to him. “G-God,  _yes_ … Your cock feels so good in me,” He pressed all four pads against his prostate and yells, “Fuck! Harder,  _harder_ , please, I’m so close…  _Make me cum_ …”

Opening his eyes once more to the chime of the cash register, Thorin gasped pitifully.

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $140!_ **

**Burglahobbit51:**  Okay, yea, Im a little rich. Just some money inherited from my parents though

 **Burglahobbit51:**  There, id immediately force you back onto the couch. Id hook on of your legs over my shoulder and pound in to you as hard as you want, id  make you speechless, especially when I take your cock in my hand and start pumping… your cock is so tempting, I cant wait to have it in my mouth next time…

 **Burglahobbit51:** but now I just need you to cum. Ill bend down and take one of your nipples into my mouth again. Ill thrust into you, jerk you off and suck at your sensitive tiny bud until you finally start losing it. With your nails digging into my back and your limbs around me, id feel your asshole tighten as you cum all over yourself. God, I bet youre just beautiful.. youd throw your head back and call out my name… youd make me follow almost instantly, shooting my seed into that greedy, tight hole until you cant take anymore and I pull out to kiss you

“ _ **Fuck-** yes, please_!” Thorin’s chest heaves against his comforter, releasing his grip on one of his cheeks and getting himself off again, pumping his cock and abusing his opening until his sack finally tightens and he comes with a breathless cry, spilling out over his mattress.

Thorin collapses helplessly, the camera picking up his flattened back, ass and the beginnings of his thighs. Leisurely subtracting his fingers from within himself, Thorin keeps his other hand trapped between his body and bed, wet and dirty with his own fluids.

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $50!_ **

**Burglahobbit51:**  Don’t forget to look at my profile :) come back soon xoxo

**_Burglahobbit51 has left the chat_ **

Thorin takes several minutes before getting up, pushing himself to sit on his haunches, drying himself off with a nearby towel placed at his side in anticipation of a mess. He shuts down his streaming and clicks his camera off with a satisfied sigh, though his noises of content turn to a small sigh of worry at the last message. Would he still be so interested if the person he got the most pleasure from wasn’t… exactly in his area of interest?

Clicking his username revealed-

“Holy shit.”

God, just… a suit? He’s wearing a  _suit_  in his icon. Never mind the fact that he’s ridiculously good looking, or to the lower left of the screen, there’s a box titled “gallery” with several thumbnails under it of pictures of what Thorin can guess is the thick cock he was told about. This man wasn’t exactly lying.

“ _Holy fuck_.”

**_Real name: :)_ **

**_Age: 38_ **

**_Sex: Male_ **

He’s so outrageously, royally fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bilbos profile pic is definitely something like [this. :-)](http://www.radiotimes.com/uploads/images/original/67493.jpg?quality=85&mode=crop&width=620&height=413&404=tv)  
> panties and lingerie in the next chapt!!!  
> [bottomthorin on tumblr](http://thorinsdead.co.vu/)


	3. Panties.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panties, a toy, and Thorin finally reveals his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thorins wearing [these](https://xdress.com/product/view/panties/lace/perfectly-pretty-panties-z592) except in the pink option

Thorin makes the discovery that TheLonelyMountain also provides private messaging a few days after his last streaming, having come online to a notification from Burglahobbit51.

**Burglahobbit51:**  what did u think :)?

For a long few moments, Thorin doesn’t reply. He’s had the images frozen in his mind: the lights dimmed, a pair of dress pants unzipped and pushed down, a thick and heavy girth held in a soft-looking hand. While Burglahobbit51 wasn’t the most gifted when it comes to length (average, but nothing he’d turn up his nose at), he certainly made up for it in width. Thorin had a difficult time picturing how such an organ would feel against his tongue, or even properly fit in his mouth, even as he struggled through the day’s paperwork. He was falling behind, and for a fraction of a moment, he genuinely considered deleting his account and going back to his normal life. The routine of meeting after meeting, followed by an afternoon alone in his home, with no strangers watching him touch himself.

That is, until he was alerted of the  _generous_  new addition to his PayPal account, and decided to go shopping instead.

And there was still Burglahobbit51’s profile icon- fuck, his profile icon,  _his face_. Thorin could truthfully say it made his chest ache with how ridiculously attractive this man was. He looked humble and kind, but the sort that could easily turn into a demanding and persistent prat if pushed far enough. Thorin initially suspected the picture might’ve been fake - something lifted off the internet by a wrinkled old man wanting some action - though he let the idea go out of his own want (his  _need)_ for this all to be true.

Thorin struggled with what exactly to comment on first; his dick or his face? What was more important? Shit.

**Kingunderthemountain:** Gorgeous.

**Burglahobbit51:**  yea? which part?

**Kingunderthemountain:**  All of it.

**Burglahobbit51:** dont be chaste

**Burglahobbit51:**  do you like my cock?

Thorin furrowed his brow and tightened his grip on the mouse. The man’s absolute lack of shame had his face heating before he even began to type again.

**Kingunderthemountain:** Yes.

Was he sweating? Good god, _really_?

**Kingunderthemountain:** After seeing it all I could think about was sucking you off. I wondered how your hands would feel pushing my head down and how thick your cum would be on my tongue.

_Fuck._

**Burglahobbit51:** there you go :) … and my face?

**Kingunderthemountain:** Hot as hell. In that fantasy you talked about the other day, the one with me on your lap, I’d like to grab your glasses with my teeth and take them off. I’d make your hair a mess. I want to see you between my legs.

**Burglahobbit51:**  mmm good

**Burglahobbit51:** any chance of seeing ur face soon??

**Burglahobbit51:**  im tired of imagining a mouth to fuck raw

In the middle of the blood draining from his head to find a more comfortable home down south, Thorin was quick to make a decision.

_If something bad was going to happen, it would have already._

This is either the worst or the best thing he will ever do.

**Kingunderthemountain:**  Tonight.

**Kingunderthemountain:** I got panties. Pink, like you suggested. And a toy.

**Burglahobbit51:** fuck….. im hard just thinking about what youll look like..

**Burglahobbit51:**  youre so fucking sexy

**Burglahobbit51:**  what kind of toy?

**Kingunderthemountain:** You’ll see.

**Kingunderthemountain:** ;-)

**Burglahobbit51:** youre draining me

**Burglahobbit51:**  when are you going on?

**Kingunderthemountain:** After I shower and get changed. I’ll see you soon.

**Burglahobbit51:**  i hope so

* * *

Thorin can still feel the embarrassment he felt in his gut when he bought these things. He stands now, a towel around his waist and water dripping from his skin, a pair of bright pink panties in one hand and a magic wand vibrator in the other. His original plan had been to walk in, find something pink and tight to wear, and leave after paying for it. He’d never had any idea that the cashier would stop him and suggest a toy which had been on sale - and Thorin never thought he would be so breathless and nervous to actually give in if it meant he could leave. Though, he’d seen these things used on cocks in videos, pressed against the glans under the head or firmly on the sack. He could work with it. _Plus,_   _Burglahobbit51 would love it_.

This time he doesn’t give a ten minute warning before starting, deciding to just boot up his stream as soon as he had everything set up - and put on. The usual: chair at the end of his bed, towel to clean up with at the side and out of the cameras view, laptop next to where Thorin would lay.The only thing different this time was the wand he’d set behind his laptop after hooking it up to the wall, and the hot pink lingerie stretched tight over his crotch. Almost instantly, he caught the verdant username appear among some of his other usuals.

With a small twist in his belly, Thorin got on the bed one knee at a time. Positioning himself in front of the camera, back and ass visible, he stretched until his back popped, relieving the tension of his workday, before bending down and leaning on his forearms. He paid no attention to his laptop as he looked back at himself, his hips beginning to sway teasingly. The ‘cha-ching!’ sound effect played - though his face might not be currently in shot, he’s certain that the tip is from Burglahobbit51.

Thorin grinned and turned his head to check.

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $100!_ **

"You like them?" Thorin mused, biting his lower lip and bringing his hand back to rest on one of his cheeks, squeezing the flesh before giving it a slap. While dozens of users gave their compliments and tips, Thorin saw none from the person he was most expecting.

He would have begun to worry if it weren’t for the arrival of an image in the chat, one much like the others on Burglahobbit51’s profile.

Dimmed lighting, a soft hand in view, though this time the man was wearing boxers and gripping himself through the fabric. A caption followed.

**Burglahobbit51:**  im going to cum to you 

**Burglahobbit51:**  ill send pics the whole time 

Thorin laughed and rested the side of his face against his blanket, grabbing the hem of the panties and pulling them upward. The cloth stretched over his cheeks slipped up into his crack, exposing the supple skin underneath.

"Would you cum on me?" He arched his back, plucking the material back up and repositioning it with slow and patient fingers, "Would you fuck me good and hard before pulling out and emptying your load all over me?"

**Burglahobbit51:** youre getting more confident at this

**Burglahobbit51:** but i would. id smear my cum over your ass and then make you clean it up

"Mm, yeah? What about  _my_  cum?” Thorin shifted to press his hips down against the bed, thrusting forward rhythmically, enough for his sack to drag back and fill the soft fabric between his thighs. “What if I came all over the mattress? What if I hadn’t cum yet at all?”

**Burglahobbit51:** then i guess youd have to clean that up too huh? your dirty fucking mess

**Burglahobbit51:**  if you hadnt, well

**Burglahobbit51:** i cant decide on whether or not id have you finish in front of me and suck you off until you cum down my throat

He lets out a loud, deliberate moan at the idea, shutting his eyes and rutting his hips once against the overlay in earnest. Thorin then shifted himself backward enough for his profile view to come into the shot. The response was immediate.

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $90!_ **

**Burglahobbit51:** fuck

**Burglahobbit51:**  turn around for me please

**Burglahobbit51:**  fucking now

Of course, Thorin took his sweet time to roll onto his back. His arms fell up above his head and his legs parted, the outline of his cock clearly visible within the sheer garment he wore.

He licked his lips and looked directly at the camera, gaze half-lidded and stomach heaving with his panting breaths.

A few moments later, another image appears in the chat. This time, Burglahobbit51 holds his hard cock in hand, pulling the foreskin back and exposing the noticeable glimmer at the slit.

**Burglahobbit51:**  fuck youre fucking gorgeous

**Burglahobbit51:**  you should have told me you have a beard

**Burglahobbit51:** it would feel so good against my cock … you have the perfect mouth for sucking

Instead of verbally responding, Thorin raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement. Running one hand down his furred chest and belly, he rested it against his clothed girth. Grabbing himself through the fabric, he pumped himself to full hardness lazily, lips falling ajar at the feeling of the lace against his sensitive glans.

**Burglahobbit51:**  what was that toy you said you bought, my king??

He genuinely groans at that, his hips pushing upward to grind against his hand. With only a slight reluctance to stop the stimulation, Thorin reached behind his laptop to retrieve the waiting wand, setting the curved edge on his bottom lip and using his free hand to grip himself through the panties once more.

**Burglahobbit51:** i havent been this hard in so long. play with it

Not needing to be told twice, Thorin flicked the switch with an eager thumb, the loud sound of constant vibration becoming a soft hum in his microphone. Removing his palm from his cock to rest it under his head, he pressed the vibrating bulb to his shaft. A weak mewl left him at the sensation, his back arching and hips working. It was sinful how good it felt; he ran the white toy up and down his clothed erection, stopping at the head to push it down more firmly. His legs spread even further, and his head lolled back into his palm with a shaky, “Fuck, yes, please.”

**Burglahobbit51:** god youre beautiful

**Burglahobbit51:** if i ever fucking got my hands on you you wouldnt be able to walk out on functioning legs

**Burglahobbit51:**  i want to be so deep inside you

**Burglahobbit51:** in between those god damned thighs…  your legs around my waist while i pounded into you. your screams for more

**Burglahobbit51:**  you want it harder

**Burglahobbit51:** youd always want it harder

Thorin barely registered anything he read, whining at the words and rolling the blunt head of the instrument on his cock in small, circular motions. The material he wore swirled with the rubber beautifully, darkening as his pre-cum was soaked up by the constricting lingerie.

**Burglahobbit51:**  you moan like a dirty little whore, have i told you?

**Burglahobbit51:** i want to hear that in person so badly

**Burglahobbit51:** i want you to scream my name too

**Burglahobbit51:**  mmmm love seeing that youre leaking

**Burglahobbit51:** youre already so close

Another picture is sent in then, focused on a single bead of pre-cum trailing down the head of Burglahobbit51’s thick length. Thorin stared at it hazily and moaned nonetheless.

"You… You would say those things to me in person?" He started to steadily rub the toy up and down his erection, refusing to stop where it felt the most pleasurable, " _Ah_ \- you’d call me your little slut? Compliment how greedily I took your cock in me?”

With a filthy, watering mouth, he adds, “I want it so badly.”

**Burglahobbit51:** fuck yes

**Burglahobbit51:**  you wanna go ahead and cum for me baby?

**Burglahobbit51:** im close

**Burglahobbit51:** cum while telling me what you want me to do to you

Thorin’s chest rose and fell rapidly, a quiet sob escaping him in his attempts to regain composure. With the toy once again pressing down on the tip of his cock, Thorin lifted his haunches towards the pulsation and exhales with a pitiful cry.

"I want- I want you in me so fucking much," he panted, throwing his head to the side, facing away from the glaring screen. Taking the hand that’d been steadily sweating under his head, Thorin lightly pinched at his nipples with quivering fingers.

"I can’t stop fucking thinking about it… I want you to show up at my work and- and fuck me over my desk. The idea of you pressing me down and biting my neck and fucking me until I cum from your cock alone-  _Fuck!_ " Thorin bucked up, his balls tightening. He pinched the bud between his fingers harder, releasing a desperate shout, " _It makes me cum._ ”

Finally, his hips stuttered against the continuing vibrations, his jaw falling slack as he blabbered a chain of curse words followed by high pitched pants and moans. Briefly, his back lifted from the mattress as he rode out his orgasm, only to slap back down with a  _humph_  once the over-sensitivity hit him.

Thorin flicked off the wand when it becomes too much to bear and his whines went silent. He placed the toy off to the side before wiping the sweat off his brow. Again, he let his upper limbs go limp above his head, and a side glance revealed a last image within the chat, framed by several tips and approving comments from other viewers.

Cum covered Burglahobbit51’s hand, his cock already going soft in his grasp. Thorin wanted to taste it.

**Burglahobbit51:**  when ur alright, check your messages

**_Burglahobbit51 tipped $300!_ **

**_Burglahobbit51 has left the chat_ **

This time, Thorin checks as soon as he leaves. Shutting off his broadcast and ignoring the prickly feeling in his stomach at how his cum oozed from under the edging of his panties and down his thigh, Thorin nearly had a heart attack reading the message that came in.

**Burglahobbit51:**  have you got a skype?

**Burglahobbit51:**  only if youre comfortable though

**Burglahobbit51:**  but i want to be more private with this now

**Burglahobbit51:**  if youd like. we can both go on video at the same time

_God dammit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aWKWARD SKYPE CALL IN THE NEXT CHAPTER GET PUMPED!!!!  
> [this is so thorin](https://41.media.tumblr.com/6593bba74dce4fd42443a3cea3f2d510/tumblr_nlww80UujX1sgmoxyo1_540.jpg)


	4. Skype.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Skype call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [what bilbos skype icon probably looks like](http://40.media.tumblr.com/1bb88d8848ec09b2b0054147b2d7d7b3/tumblr_ndlggtBE6u1qd6bgyo1_1280.jpg)  
>  GET READY FOR SOME CUTE STUFFS!!!

Thorin ends up giving Burglahobbit51 his Skype username because _of course he does_ , and spends the rest of the week waiting for Saturday night. They’d agreed to wait for the weekend, which only gives Thorin more time to wonder whether or not this was all amazing or downright rubbish. He can’t decide if this is becoming something potentially romantic, or perhaps Burglahobbit51 would just find it sexier if it was just him and Thorin, without all the others looking on for their own pleasure. Maybe he had a possessive side, and got jealous knowing the dozens of users who also tune in every few days for Thorin’s brief but eventful shows. This idea left Thorin’s face heating while he, once a-fucking-gain, neglected to get his work done. Needless to say, he’d been chastised by his coworkers for his lack of concentration. The comment that stuck out the most in his mind was the gruff, “You’ve found a hole for your bits, haven’t you?” from a security guard within his building, and close friend, Dwalin.

Quite the opposite. Thorin hadn’t put his bits in anything other than his hands, and nothing’s been in his hole other than the fingers on those very same hands. This couldn’t be a relationship or anything romantic, he decides, not in the slightest. It was just a free source of pornography; a type where he gained money instead of losing it for each orgasm, and the upcoming Skype call would be filled with nothing but lewd compliments and orders for him to touch himself (which Thorin would never object to).

Except, it doesn’t seem like it’ll be that once it’s started. On that Saturday evening he’s been looking forward to, he showers and bathes every nook and cranny as if he were about to be inspected under a magnifying glass. He dresses in something he’s prepared to easily rip off (a loose white t-shirt and skin-tight, black boxer shorts), and made sure to eat hours before so he wouldn’t be interrupted by a needy stomach in the middle of his night. When it comes to accepting the contact request (Fuck, he looks so damn… proper in his icon, like he could order anyone to bend over his desk and they’ll do it without a moment’s thought because it’s a bloody blessing to be seen as attractive by this man) and answering the video call, Thorin feels like the air’s been extracted from his lungs with a vacuum and a tub of warm water has been dumped over him.

There he sits, the man Thorin can’t stop thinking about, in a light blue, button-up pajama shirt and matching bottoms. His hair isn’t the same as it’s in in the photos Thorin’s seen; the man’s short locks lack their usual gel and stick up wherever they please, as if he’s just woken up from a long nap. The glasses are still there, Thorin notes, sat on the slightly curved tip of his wide nose. He watches with a starstruck gaze as Burglahobbit51’s face blooms into a wide smile, shifting on his spot on what Thorin can only guess is his bed. He has his laptop set in front of him and his legs crossed, one hand set on what kind of looked like a light tan cat in his lap. His other hand loosely held a tall glass of wine that he sipped from before adjusting the microphone on an expensive-looking headset and finally speaking.

"Are you alright?"

 _He’s fucking English_. This is it, this is the moment where the Earth opens up and swallows Thorin whole. It’s all too much. He feels ridiculously under-dressed and poor, what with his cheap pair of headphones popped in his ears and how cheap his covers look compared to the other man. Thorin wonders if it would raise suspicion if he got up and went to his desk instead of staying on his bed, back against the headboard and laptop steadily heating up on his thighs.

"Look, if you’re not really comfortable with doing this, I can understand," Burglahobbit51 continues as that gorgeous smile fades. "It’s all a bit weird to meet some bloke online while looking to watch someone get off for money and ask him for his Skype after giving him, what? Enough to buy a used car? I need to tell you," Thorin can hear him clear his throat, and, if anyone asked him, he would say he can’t recall whether or not he breathed. "I don’t do this. I don’t go giving all my money to naked strangers while gradually asking for more and more information about them, I just happen to…" He sways his hand a little bit, alcohol swirling from within it’s crystal confines, "think you are the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen? An understatement, truly, but," He looks briefly - uncertainly? - at the camera, and then back down to where Thorin can guess he’s positioned on his screen, "You said you think about me? You think about me fucking you open, coming on you? Gods, I’d do it…" A long pause.

"That may be the only reason I asked to call you like this, because I find you outrageously hot. You kind of give off a vibe that you might be a dick, but I don’t know, perhaps it’s just me.”

Thorin can’t hold back barking out a rich laugh, mouth breaking out in a broad toothy smile. “No, I think I agree with you.” He puts a hand on his belly after his shoulders stop trembling and snorts, “A dick, that’s pretty much all I am personality-wise.”

"Really? Damn, I was hoping to finally find a man I could invite over to my _mansion_ for tea and biscuits who wouldn’t call me a ‘rich prat’ right off the bat. Tsk.”

Thorin laughs again, they both do, and spend several moments blindly grinning at each other. All previous ideas of this being nothing but a bout of online sex flew out his window as well as any nervousness he might’ve felt towards this whole thing.

After a good minute, Thorin finally comments, “You own a cat?” to which Burglahobbit51 instantly furrows his brows and scoffs out a loud, “What?”

Thorin watches him set down his glass of wine and go to carefully scoop his hands under the animal. Upon raising it with a palm to its bum and fingers under the upper legs, Thorin realizes his mistake. “Have you ever seen a rabbit before?”

He can’t really think of another time that he’s laughed this much before. “I have!” Thorin cries in his defense, “It’s just… I didn’t see the ears!” He huffs. “What’s its name?”

"Well," The other man holds the bunny to his chest with care, and Thorin’s heart melts at how it seemed to find comfort in snuggling its furry face against Burglahobbit51’s neck. " _His_ name is…" He stops.

"… _Is_?” Thorin raised his brows in amusement, “Did you name your rabbit ‘Is’?”

"No, of course not! Just… shut up, and promise you won’t laugh."

Thorin just shrugs, which causes his current heartthrob to pout momentarily before he continues.

"His name is Sergeant Acorn. And before you laugh-“

Naturally, it was too late to stop Thorin’s loud snickers.

"-I named him Sergeant Acorn because of his color! Plus, he put up a good fight when I first got him. Hated me to bits. So, I thought he was tough enough to, you know, be a Sergeant."

"You’re ridiculous," Thorin exclaims, his face starting to ache from the constant his grin. "So, if you had gotten a white rabbit who liked you and was really sweet, would you name it _Princess Snow_?”

"Oh, fuck off," He curses, and Thorin watched him try to keep the smile off his face.

_God, he was so, so fucked._

When they’re no longer weak with the giggles, and after Burglahobbit51 sets his ‘Sergeant Acorn’ off the bed to go do as he pleases, Thorin licks his lips.

"You sounded sexy when you mentioned how I think about you fucking my lights out."

"Yeah?" Burglahobbit51 sips his wine and cocks his head as if he were contemplating something. He puts his glass down and brings his laptop up onto his lap, Thorin inwardly thanking the Gods above for a closer view. "Would it turn you on if… I told you what I think about when I’m not talking to you in a chat? Because I think about you quite often… Lots of free time on my hands."

"Fuck, yes." Thorin straightens his legs out on his mattress, pushing down his laptop far enough to leave his clothed crotch easily accessible. He certainly wasn’t wrong before when he figured this would turn into something sexual, though it was all really his fault. "You never told me about you sucking me off. You said you would."

"I did; nice of you to remember." Thorin hates that smug grin he wears, but he wants to badly to see it in person. "You have such a nice cock, so big and thick… I don’t think I could fit it all in my mouth, but if it had you making your pretty little noises, I’d try…"

"Mm?" Thorin muses, trying to picture such a scene, having great difficulty when his gaze continued to drift. "It would be hotter if you weren’t wearing matching pajamas that don’t look like they cost more than my entire closet." For fuck’s sake, they even had a little breast pocket. Squinting at it, Thorin’s eyes widened. "Are those your initials? ‘BB’?"

"Oh?" Burglahobbit51 looks down at himself and then back up, smiling innocently. "That’s right," He muses, "you don’t know my name."

"You don’t know mine either."

"I kind of got used to calling you whore, though…"

"Shut the fuck up," Thorin sighed through his smirk, "What’s your name?"

He paused for a long while before actually telling Thorin, though when he had, he wore a warm and trusting expression.

"Bilbo. My name is Bilbo Baggins."

Thorin’s chest swelled. “Thorin Durin,” He practically whispers, “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Baggins.”

"Please, just Bilbo. Only people at work call me Mr. Baggins."

"And what do you do for work?"

"Well, aren’t we getting personal?" Bilbo tuts.

"You know what my asshole looks like." Thorin states blandly.

"About five thousand people know what your asshole looks like. But, if you’re really interested, I’m a film director."

"Adult films?"

He hears Bilbo sigh loudly, but he still wore that welcoming grin, “I think I’m starting to hate you. _No_ , not adult films, regular films. Documentaries and such, nothing big.”

Thorin hums in acknowledgement and nods. “Does it pay well?”

"Can’t you tell?" Bilbo gestures to his clothing. "You could probably do well in the film business. If you ever wanted, I could see about getting you to narrate something I’m working on."

"Oh, no, thank you. I’m very comfortable where I am."

"And where are you?"

"A mining company, executive of."

"Ohh, you’re a big boy," Bilbo pretends to swoon and Thorin puffs up despite the heat spilling into his lower gut. "You’ve a big office, hmm? One all to yourself? A door with a lock?"

"The sexiest lock you could ever imagine… Even a chair with wheels on it."

“ _Fuck_.” Bilbo bites his lower lip. “So hot.”

They both share a short laugh, and Thorin purrs afterward, allowing his eyes to go half-lidded. “I’d love to hear you moan those words for me…”

"Thought you wanted me to talk about your dick in my mouth?"

"Not anymore."

He watches Bilbo settle back where he is, laying on a few stacked pillows and moving his laptop to his stomach. Thorin can no longer see where his hands are, and it frustrates him to no end.

"You wanna make me moan for you, Thorin?" Bilbo coos, and Thorin’s chest constricts as he hears fabric rustling off camera.

"Are you getting your cock out?"

“ _Yes_.”

Thorin’s never heard a more beautiful voice.

"Good… I want you to take yourself in your hand and think about me riding you…" Thorin murmurs and flushes, dipping his hand beneath his underclothes to knead at his soft prick. "Think about my hands resting back on your thighs while I raise and lower myself on you, my cock slapping against my belly each time my ass smacks against you. Would you like to hold my hips, Bilbo? Don’t you like being in control? You’d like to tell me how fast to go, huh? How tight to clench around your thick cock and how loudly to scream for you to go deeper? I’d work so hard to please you…"

"Would you?" Bilbo moans, one hand coming into view to rip off his glasses and carelessly fling them to his nightstand before he brushes his hair back.

"Oh, yes, I fucking live for you telling me I’ve done a good job. Are you hard, Bilbo?"

"Yes," Bilbo whimpers again, no longer watching Thorin as his eyes fall shut and he begins to breathe through his mouth, "Just for you, Thorin. Just to feel your ass around my cock, Gods, you’re gorgeous.”

"I’d make a pretty picture on top of you, wouldn’t I? All sweaty and desperate, my whole body trembling from how fucking good you feel. I can’t stop thinking about you in me while I’m at work, I just want you to have me over my desk. I’ve been getting hard in my office more than I’ve been getting work done." Freeing his erection from his shorts, Thorin gives himself long, tight strokes. "I need you in me so badly, by the time I’m home, I’m hopeless… Each night, I’ve cum to you."

"Fuck, yes… Yes, you’re such a dirty thing when it comes to public sex, huh?"

" _Yesss_ , Bilbo."

"And you’d like riding me? Especially if I’m all dressed up in an expensive suit and you’re the one getting dirty?"

"More than anything."

“ _Hah_ ,” Bilbo grins and cranes his head back against the cushions, his laptop beginning to teeter with the rhythm of the frequent pumps of his cock. “You’d have me sit in your office chair, wouldn’t you? You’d get on my lap and ride me, getting off on the knowledge of knowing that if you got caught, you’d be in deep trouble? And not just by whoever’s above you, but by me… I’m not about to allow myself to be embarrassed in front of strangers because of you and let you get away with it, you dirty slut…”

"Yes, _yes, fuck me_ , _Bilbo_ ,” Thorin sputters, using his free hand to grab his sack and roll his testes between his fingers. Knocking his head back into the headboard elicited a dull thud and a brief spark of pain, though nothing could compare to the pleasure Bilbo’s pleased moan brought him.

"Fucking dirty little cockslut… You’d ride me and then beg me to cum all over your face… In that pretty beard of yours, on your waiting tongue. You’d fucking love it so much."

"I would.”

"Fuck," Thorin watches as Bilbo’s head tilts to the side and his brows knit together. He just wants to lick the sweat off his stupid forehead. "I’m going to cum, Thorin.”

He grins wickedly and quickens his movements, twisting his hand whenever his palm met with the head of his cock. “Good,” Thorin pants, “Good… Cum to the thought of me drinking up all your cum… I’d suck you dry. You’d have to force me off of you, I bet…”

"You love sucking my cock, don’t you, Thorin?"

"Yes," He breathes loudly, hips rockng upward weakly, his laptop threatening to fall from his thighs. "Yes, I’d fucking suck your cock so much. As much as you like, whenever you ask me to. My warm mouth around you, my spit coating you, my tongue - _fuck_ \- my tongue lapping at the slit, I want to taste you.”

“ _Thorin_!” Bilbo cries, and Thorin might’ve been angry at not being able to watch cum surge from Bilbo’s cock or his hips thrust up into his hand, though he can see how Bilbo’s face twists with pleasure and hear the octave his moans reach when he’s finally at his peak. It’s when Bilbo nears the end of his quivers and throbs, and starts mewling Thorin’s name over and over, that he comes with a deep grunt and several curses falling from his tongue.

His cum lands in sticky streams over his shirt, and Thorin can’t think to be angry over his inevitable chore of doing laundry. Bilbo’s eyes are still shut and his head still digs back into his pillows as he pants and his chest heaves. Thorin’s never witnessed anything so flawless.

It doesn’t occur to him how long he’s stared without saying a word until he can see Bilbo reaching for his glasses once more and slipping them on with shaking fingers.

"That was so fucking good," Bilbo breathes, and then laughs, "I think I got cum on the back of my laptop…"

"You want to go clean that off now?" Thorin asks dryly, tucking himself back into his briefs.

"Yeah, yeah, I should. I need to get Sergeant Acorn back into his cage."

" _Fuck_ , don’t mention the rabbit after I’ve just cum.”

"He’ll poop everywhere!" Bilbo chuckles. "But, yeah, I’m going. Do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Mm, I like you when you’re so willing… In your next show, I want to watch you fuck yourself on a dildo. I want you to imagine it’s me."

Thorin grins and licks his lips, nodding silently.

"Also, I want your mobile number. Maybe I can help you with your little work problem."

This time, in the post-orgasm haze, instead of mentally panicking, Thorin complies.

Their area codes match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [SAY HELLO TO SERGEANT ACORN!!!! :-)))!!!!](https://41.media.tumblr.com/ea734a1ba4f07875b995fcae0b7ba423/tumblr_nk8omgcKzp1u5gssko1_540.jpg)  
>  theyre trash .. .. i love them  
> [bottomthorin on tumblr](http://thorinsdead.co.vu/)


	5. Phone calls.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING FOR THE USE OF DEGRADING TERMS LIKE "SLUT" AND STUFF...**  
>  sorry this took sooooo long!!

Bilbo texts Thorin for the first time that morning, while Thorin’s seated at his desk and scrolling down a long, colorful list of dildos he could potentially buy.

**Does it make u uncomfortable????**  
**BB**

He thinks on it for a bit, chewing the inside of his cheek as he sits back in his office chair and thumbs at the sides of his mobile. It was a shock at first, yeah, but to actually be bothered by it to the point where he doesn’t want to continue… well, whatever  _this_  was, was unthinkable. 

**No actually. I think I fancy the idea that if I ever needed someone to take me, I could just call you and you’d show up.**  
**T**

**Really? :)**  
**BB**

**I mean thats great!!! Both parts of it**  
**BB**

**Im glad :)))**  
**BB**

_For the love of fuck, Bilbo is so cute…_ Thorin believes he might’ve spent several minutes just grinning down at each smiley face, vaguely thinking about how he’d kill just to see Bilbo smile right now. Or hear him laugh. Now  _there_ was a though

**Are you busy right now?**  
**T**

**Not at all, y?**  
**BB**

Thorin doesn’t even type out a reply, instead calling Bilbo eagerly and holding the phone to his ear. While waiting for it to be answered, he selects a random, brightly colored dildo from the rows of icons displayed before him.

"Well, you  _could’ve_  told me that you were planning to call me.” Bilbo sounds slightly agitated, but naturally Thorin ignores it.

"What about pink?" Thorin muses as he reads the description for the toy, leaning forward in his chair and settling an elbow on his desk.

"What?"

He recites verbatim from the monitor, “ _Our totally transparent Pink Ice jelly dong is 8 inches of delicious dildo delight! The sturdy 2-inch shaft stands up for any action, with big firm balls for clitoral stimul_ -“

Bilbo shrieks with laughter then, shouting “Oh!” at the top of his lungs before, “Oh my  _god, Thorin_!”

It brings a wide smile to Thorin’s face, and he purposely sounds as though he’s making a sales pitch as he finishes, “- _ation and to make sure you never lose control in the throes of passion. With its veined and textured shaft, it’s perfect for solo satisfaction and fun for couples!”_

The chortles on the other end of the line continue for a long while before gradually calming down into high pitched giggles. Even when Bilbo seems to come to a stop, he instantly starts up again afterward. Thorin feels like his heart may very well burst.

"Well? Does it sound good?" He tries to sound uninterested, but there’s muffled snickers coming from Bilbo and he guesses he’s covering his mouth, something Thorin certainly doesn’t want. "Do you want me to read the reviews?"

"No!" Bilbo erupts with more chuckles, "Oh, no, you’ll kill me! Just," Thorin can hear him struggle to control his breathing, "if you want it, then get it! You don’t need my approval."

"Hmm," Thorin muses and frowns, "I don’t feel confident buying something you might not like… Maybe just one review." He’s already scrolling down just as Bilbo’s sighing.

"You’re such a fucking dick."

“ _YUMMY!_ " Thorin starts eagerly, trying his damned hardest not to mimic the squeal of amusement Bilbo gives him. " _When my package arrived I could not believe the size of this beast! And kept thinking ‘this is gonna hurt’… But to my surprise, with help of my partner and a generous amount of lube, it slid right in quiet nicely?_ " He legitimately narrows his eyebrows and sounds confused at the end, grinning wildly to himself.

Bilbo sounded as though he was  _dying_.

“ _And the next surprise was when my partner began to thrust over an over and I could not hold my voice in! This toy sure packs a punch in all the right places!_ " Thorin’s voice briefly raises in pitch, " _Would definitely recommend to everyone!_ ”

"How does that sound?" Thorin hums again, swelling in pride at Bilbo’s laughing pleas for air.

"It sounds fucking great," Bilbo’s voice was laced with sarcasm, though he sounded breathless, "Why don’t you go ahead and order it? Then you can tell me what you’re wearing and I can try to get the sound of you saying ‘jelly dong’ out of my head."

Thorin inhales through his teeth, places his mobile on speaker phone and sets it down on his desk. “I don’t know, Bilbo,” He shrugs, though the other man can’t see it, “That was rated five stars, maybe we should read something with just two stars?”

"No, no,  _no_!” He squeaks, “Anything else, please!”

"Bilbo," Thorin coos softly, failing at sounding stern, "If you want to see me use one, we should be wise when ordering one. Now," He clears his throat, " _When I first got this, it was great. The length and girth are perfect_.”

After a moment, with no protests from Bilbo, Thorin continues wholeheartedly, “ _But after a couple uses I noticed my vagina was very irritated afterward. I even had_ -“

"Oh, my god, fucking  _no_!” Bilbo starts laughing again. ~~  
~~

”- _painful urination for two days. It wasn’t a UTI, as I got tested. Then I used this again yesterday and had painful urination again._ ”

"I will hang up on you! I swear, I will!"

Thorin stifles a cackle with his palm, scrolling to the bottom of the page and begging, “One more, Bilbo.”

"No!"

"I think you’ll like this one!" Thorin cries, and Bilbo relents with a groan.

Clearing his throat, Thorin releases a theatrically lewd whine before he reads, panting out each word with a pitiful whimper.

“ _I love the thickness and I absolutely love how it stretches my pussy!_ ”

Silence followed afterward, leaving Thorin in suspense before Bilbo exhales in the microphone, “You know what? I did like that one. Buy the damn thing.”

It was Thorin’s turn to break out into a loud laugh, placing a hand on his gut and inching closer to his mobile. “Mm, you like that? Hearing about how toys stretch my pussy?” Thorin whispers mockingly, smiling from ear to ear.

"Jesus Christ," Bilbo grunts, and even though Thorin couldn’t see it, he could tell the smaller man was pinching the bridge of his nose, "I really do hate you, you know?"

"Mmhm?"

"Yes, now let me go clean out Sergeant Acorn’s cage."

Thorin chuckles at Bilbo’s poor attempt at sounding irritated, and takes his mobile up into his hand. “I’ll talk to you later.”

"You too." Thorin could hear the smile in Bilbo’s voice clear as day, returning it with his own before hanging up.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Thorin has troubles concentrating on Monday. He’s been given several light scoldings by others in the workplace: “friendly” reminders that he needs to sign these papers and those papers, give feedback on the new ones, and finally respond to old memos. Thorin’s completely swamped but when he’s there, when he’s alone in his office with pen in hand and a pile of agreements and contracts sat in front of him, he can’t stop thinking about Bilbo.

He’s hopeless. He felt like this is turning into some high school crush - following the other man around like a lovestruck duckling, smiling for the next month when his existence is acknowledged. Basically, he’s really fucked.

Bilbo is just so… perfect, in a weird way. He’s playful and funny and considerate and handsome and it’s making Thorin  _so fucking angry_. The man owns a bunny, for God’s sake, can he get cuter than that?

Not to mention how unbelievably hot he is. Thorin spends most of his mornings wondering how soft that sandy hair might feel or how well he would really fit in between Thorin’s thighs. He thinks about unbuttoning that damn pajama shirt and kissing his neck, grabbing his hips to pull him closer and whispering in his ear to fuck him…

Fuck it. Bilbo said he might have a way to help Thorin out at work, had he not?

By lunch time (which he’s stopped leaving his office for because of the leaning tower of  _bullshit_ taking up residence on his desk), Thorin’s pulling out his mobile and sending a frustrated text.

**Can’t stop thinking about you. I’m at work.**  
**T**

It takes a few minutes for Bilbo to reply and when he does, Thorin truly feels like he’s about to have a heart attack.

It’s a photograph. An actual photograph of Bilbo holding up his fucking rabbit next to his face with the biggest, stupidest smile. It’s a God damn selfie.

He’s never been so pleased by a picture before.

**WAIT WRONG PIC!!!!!!**  
**BB**

Seconds later, there’s another, this time a close up of Bilbo’s chest with a glimpse of his parted lips at the top. His fingers hook under a tie he wears, loosening it from a partly unbuttoned shirt with its collar slightly spread-  _teasingly_  spread, showing enough skin on his neck to be licked and bit and marked. Thorin’s face is reddening like a freshly spanked a- …best not go down that road, if he wanted to keep his zipper intact.

**Are you serious**  
**T**

**Haha yea :)?**  
**BB**

A third image of Bilbo’s crotch, with his hand strategically placed on his belt and his cock visibly hard through his trousers. Thorin isn’t completely sure which to be scandalized by; the fact that Bilbo takes pictures with Sergeant Acorn or the idea that he’s thinking these other images will  _help_. Either way, he’s subconsciously scooting his chair further into his desk and parting his thighs just a little. A tiny bit. Just to relieve some pressure.

**You said you can help!!!!!!**  
**T**

**Isnt this?**  
**BB**

**No!!**  
**T**

**:( Im sorry. Figured that if u got off in ur office instead of spending all day horny u might b able to spend the rest of the day not thinking about it??**  
**BB**

**You’re going to get me fired**  
**T**

**So u dont want any more pics? U dont want me to call u and help u get off?**  
**BB**

**Of course not!**  
**T**

This is ridiculous; this is the absolute most absurd thing.

**R u sure?**  
**BB**

This is the most awfully ridiculous and absurd thing he’s  _ever considered_. And he’s  _doing it._  Thorin’s practically leaping from his chair to go lock his office door and close the blinds, returning to dig in his desk for a small packet of tissues there just for little emergencies (this was a large emergency). Once seated, he can honestly say he’s never felt more sinful and dirty to unbuckle his belt and work open the bindings on his pants with a single hand.

**No.**  
**T**

**:)**  
**BB**

Moments later, when Thorin’s licking his palm and taking himself in his hand, his mobile vibrates in the other. As soon as he answers and holds the speaker to his ear, Bilbo’s silk voice knocks the wind from him.

"Let me see…" Bilbo hums and tuts, sucking at his teeth for a few moments while Thorin sinks into blissful suspense. "There’s the desk, your chair, the broom closet across the hall," There was actually no broom closet across the hall, but he’ll play along for an orgasm.

"What if I fucked you against your office door?"

The chair creaks in protest as Thorin sighs and leans back, tightening his fingers around his girth and pumping only at the tip to work himself into hardness.

"Is that a yes?" He can  _hear_  Bilbo’s grin, “Thorin, you’re going to have to tell me what you want. How on Earth will I know if you aren’t vocal?”

Thorin thinks about grunting, discovering an uncomfortable twist in his gut when opening his mouth to reply. The idea of someone hearing him…

"Is your door locked? You can say yes or no."

"Yes," Thorin exhales, shutting his eyes and leaning his head back.

"Anyone peeping in from the windows?"

"No."

"Good boy. You’ve nothing to worry about." Bilbo whispers pleasantly, leaving Thorin biting his lower lip and alternating from working at the head of his cock to stroking his length with full, firm flicks of his wrist.

"You know," A pause, as if Bilbo were tapping his mouth in consideration, "I think I want to meet your coworkers. Would you let me come and introduce myself? Shake their hands, exchange names and have delightful small talk about the weather?"

"Why?" Thorin’s words are quick and gruff as he spreads his legs further and puts all concentration on the sound of Bilbo’s voice.

"Because I like to think about the people who won’t know their superior is getting fucked open just a few yards away from them by the short, nice gentleman they met earlier."

“ _Fuck._ ”

"You like that idea? What about before I’m inside you, and I drag you into your office by your hand? Would you be alright with me pushing you against your door, chest first, and pressing against you from behind? Me, kissing your neck and reaching around to grab your cock through your pants? Do you think I’d get you hard quickly by doing that?"

Thorin allows himself a stifled moan, puffing out a useless breath of air and earning a cruel chuckle from Bilbo.

"You can’t moan this time, can you? You can’t say a damn thing if I got on my knees, yanked your trousers down and ate your arse right there, just a few feet away from those who look up to you. You’d be so weak and frail with my tongue inside your greedy hole, or my teeth leaving cute little bite marks on your cheeks while I finger you. Gods, to have a view like that with my fingers inside you? I’d be aching. You know I’m hard right now, right? Do you know I’m not going to touch myself this time, just so I can make sure to get you to cum first? Will you cum for me, Thorin?"

“ _Yes_ ,” He breathes, trapping his mobile between his ear and his shoulder while his freed hand goes to fondle his sack delicately. “Yes, yes, I’ll cum for you.”

"Keep your voice down, gorgeous," Bilbo warns, "If you don’t when I’m finally pushing my cock into you, I’d have to put my hand over your mouth. Can you think about that? Me pounding into you while your pants are around your ankles and your shirt’s hiked up so I can see how that pretty little ass of yours bounces when I slap against you… I bet you’d drool into my hand, you can’t fucking contain yourself. Would I have to scold you?"

An unsteady moan leaves him, Thorin lifting his hips into his hand weakly. He speaks, yes, though breathless and needy are his words, “I wouldn’t mind.”

It has Bilbo laughing softly again, “You wouldn’t mind? You wouldn’t mind it if I grabbed you by the neck- carefully, I’m not about to choke you -and whispered in your ear what a dirty little slut you are, just for me? Only for me. Oh, how loudly you’d moan at that. I’d have to cover your mouth again for that, maybe slap your ass as punishment.”

"Christ," Thorin whimpers, " _Slap me_.” His pace on his cock quickens, lips parting indefinitely while he oozes pre-cum into his grip.

"Fuck," Bilbo groans, "You never cease to amaze me. I’d want nothing more than to have your arse all blistering and red as I fuck you, and you’re begging for it harder despite how much it fucking  _stings_. You delicious thing, you make me feel so good…”

"Yeah?" A breathless moan.

"Yes, Thorin. You would be so tight and willing for me, so loud and eager no matter where we are. Do you see what I’ve you doing right now? You can get caught any minute with your thick dick in your hand and a man you met practically two weeks ago talking you into cumming through a call. When’s the last time you been fucked? Really, pushed down into your mattress and torn open until you’re noises are silent and your cock is spent? I’d make you  _love_ that, you know, I’d fuck you until you begged me to stop because you’re too sensitive to continue. You would love it so much, you  _naughty cockslut_ , you-“

”- _Fuck_!” Thorin hisses abruptly and thrusts into his hand. The mobile falls from his shoulder and clatters on the floor as he grips the base of his cock in an attempt to stop himself, though he’s already cumming into his grasp, toes curling within his shoes and anger boiling in his chest.

"Shit," He pants, reaching for the tissues on his desk in the midst of his post-orgasmic throbs and pulses. The cum from his palm wipes away without a problem, of course, but when trying to rid himself of the ejaculate on his shirt, Thorin’s hopeless. His seed spreads and sticks, and he’s balling up the thin material and throwing it in the nearby trashcan with a grunt of displeasure.

Once he’s sat there for a few moments, his cock still out and his top hopelessly soiled, Thorin reaches for his forgotten phone, finding happiness when discovering the unscathed screen.

"Did you cum?" Bilbo asks bluntly when he hears Thorin breathe into the phone.

"Yes."

"Hmm." A hum on the other end, "Did you get it on your clothes?"

"… Yes."

Bilbo snickers, “You came to me calling you a cockslut.”

"Shut the fuck up."

"Tsk! I helped you cum! Are you, at least, not horny anymore? Think you can get some work done for me?"

Thorin grumbles and glares down at the moist stain on his shirt, “After a stop at my home for more clothes.”

"See! I am useful," Bilbo muses pridefully, "I’ll talk to you you later then?"

“‘Suppose,” He’s honestly too grumpy to say anything else.

"Mopey sourpuss," Is all Bilbo says before hanging up.

A trip to his house and back reveals that, through Thorin’s incredibly low expectations, he’s no longer continuously distracted at work. However, later he may stress (or burst with girlish enthusiasm) about the meaning of “ _I’d make you like that, you know._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [THE DILDO + REVIEWS THORIN EXPLICITLY TALKED ABOUT ARE REAL PLEASE IM SO SERIOUS!!](http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/dildo-sex-toys/realistic-dildos/sp-realistic-pink-ice-jelly-dildo-7416.aspx#product-reviews)  
>  90% certain the next chapt will be thorin doing another webcam show unless i think of something cute to happen between bilbo and thORIN CAUSE THEYRE BOTH FUCKED.  
> im only writing this fic for sergeant acorn now. my fav character.  
> [bottomthorin on tumblr.](http://thorinsdead.co.vu/)


	6. Dis.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dis & Thorin go out for coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOO!!!! THREE MONTH BREAK AND IM BACK !!!!!
> 
> im so sorry for making everyone wait to long !!!! when i said i would take some time off for finals i didnt plan on taking a few extra weeks to relax haha!!! but im back and hopefully can keep up a good stream of chapters :-))))
> 
> time for plot xoxo REAL SHORT CHAPTER WHILE I GET BACK INTO MY GROOVE

**So ive been thinking :)**  
**BB**

**That’s new.**  
**T**

**Shh!!!! no jokes!!! im being serious**  
**BB**

**I want u to send me dick pics :9**  
**BB**

**WHAT? Are you twelve?**  
**T**

**I just realized ive never seen it at a dick piccy angle!!**  
**BB**

**A “dick piccy angle”**  
**T**

**Yes!! u kno, the front. i want some good pics of your cock like that please :)**  
**BB**

**WHY?**  
**T**

**Do i need a reason :(??? what if i wanted to think about sucking u off and look at the pics whenever ur busy???**  
**BB**

**What if you get mad at me one day and put it on one of those ex boyfriends websites?**  
**T**

**Haha!! that wouldnt happen!!**  
**BB**

**Why?**  
**T**

**Because im NOT 12**  
**BB**

**Are u busy rn ? i want them asap, sugar pot ;)**  
**BB**

It’s only fucking 9 AM, Thorin thinks to himself, setting his mobile down on the table before him and propping up his face in the center of his palm. He’s not mad, no, he’s just tired. Tired, grumpy and in desperate need for-

“Coffee, sunshine!” Dis sings out, setting a small white saucer in front of her older brother with a matching cup seated atop it, and then her own beverage on her side. Following in her coffee’s steps, Dis obnoxiously settles into the opposite side of the booth.

“I’m sure there are people here being paid to bring our drinks to us,” grumbles Thorin, removing the hand from his face in favor of grabbing for his drink. With both elbows on the table, he comfortably holds the warmed porcelain to his lips, taking delicate sips. 

_God, so good._

“They do, but I have things to talk to you about and I’m impatient.” Dis announces, dragging her purse off her shoulder to let it slump against her side as she leans forward and crosses her arms on the table. “Just two things, nothing big.”

Thorin spends a few good moments staring at his sister before putting his cup down and groaning, “You want me to do something.”

“Oh,  _pssh_!” She waves a hand, “Don’t act like I’m telling you to do chores! I want you to do these things for  _your_  benefit!”

“What is it?” Thorin asks dryly, leaning back against his booth.

Dis grows a big smile, and by big, Thorin really means  _big_. Her teeth show and he’s suspicious about exactly how much that must hurt her cheeks.

“K-”

Thorin’s phone buzzes. They both glance at the face-down device. 

“Something important?” Dis’ grin drops slightly.

“It can wait.” Thorin mutters groggily, though followed by yet another buzz. One shrug from Dis gives him the approval to pick up the mobile and look.

**Is not replying ur crabby way of telling me ur busy?**  
**BB**

**Cmon… i want to guess what youd feel like in my mouth, cockslut :P**  
**BB**

**BUSY.**  
**T**

Thorin’s never typed a single word so fast. He huffs and turns the vibration setting off before hastily shoving the phone into his pocket. Looking back at Dis brings him the closest he’s ever been to a damn heart attack.

The big, toothy smile is back, but this time accompanied with raised eyebrows and tensed shoulders. He knows what’s coming.

Dis practically squeaks, “Do you have a-!”

“No!”

“Shut up, yes you do!”

“I don’t!”

“Shh!” Dis throws an arm across the table and holds up her index finger. “You have a boyfriend, right?”

“I do not,” Thorin lowers his voice, still sounding as defensive as ever. “What gives you that idea?”

“You’re blushing! Oh, come on, tell me! I bet he’s cute!” Dis retracts her arm but Thorin can still feel how she itches to throw herself across the booth and pinch his cheeks. She’s nearly forty, for fuck’s sake.

“I really don’t! It was just a… a dirty joke. Dwalin sent me. Dwalin sent me a dirty joke.” He avoids any eye contact after that, finding the most interesting thing in the full coffee shop to be the steam coming from his cup.

Dis looks mildly disappointed, but shrugs again, “FIne, if you don’t have one, I might as well come out and say it.”

“Say what?”

“I’m arranging a barbecue in a few weeks and I want you to come.”

Thorin furrows his brows, “What does that have to do with-?”

Oh,  _fuck_.

“No.” He frowns.

“Yes! Please!” Dis whines, “I’m inviting the whole family… as well as someone I think you’d like.”

Thorin raises his hands, “I told you, I don’t want to do that anymore! It never ends well!”

“Okay, sure, the last few times were unsuccessful, but I think it’ll be different this time!”

“I nearly set someone on  _fire_  last time!” Thorin leans forward and hisses under his breath, looking around him afterward as if expecting to be stared at.

Dis mimics his position, “Let’s be honest, Thorin, he shouldn’t have been standing so close to the fire, I mean-”

“No! No, no, Dis, seriously.” Thorin sighs, “I don’t want to meet anyone right now.” He tries to look stern, although Thorin’s feeling more and more uneasy by the second on the inside. Should he consider Bilbo his… significant other? What if the guy Dis was talking about was…?

It can’t be. 

“Tell him not to come.  _Please_.”

Dis eventually sucks on her teeth and straightens her back. Idly running the pads of her fingers through the condensation on her plastic drink cup, she muses, “What was the dirty joke Dwalin sent you?”

“What?” Fuck. He really hates his sister.

“The dirty joke, I wanna know. It must have been really naughty to have you looking like that.” She looks unbelievably smug, taking a few gulps from her iced beverage.

Thorin just stares at her, gobsmacked, and it’s all the verification she needs. “Fine, consider him un-invited. I still want you to come, though. Fili and Kili miss you.”

Deciding fighting would be useless, he relents and nods. “That’s fine.” It’s too early for this.

“Good.” Dis puts down the Frappuccino, “And speaking of Kili, That brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

Thorin lazily waves his hand to tell her to continue.

“Kili…” Dis stops like she’s about to start giggling, leaning forward on her elbow and putting her chin in her hand, “has a  _crush_.”

He’ll admit, it’s not the first thing he expected to hear. “Are you serious?”

“So serious! It’s so cute, he won’t stop talking about her, it’s driving everyone up the wall.”

Thorin grows a smile that matches his sister’s, the tense exterior he held before wilting away. “What’s her name?”

“Tauriel. According to him, she’s got ‘hair like red velvet and the smile of an angel,’” Dis laughs, before changing her tone to an unmistakably serious one, “I need you to come talk to him about it.”

“Why me and not Vili?” Thorin puffs and squints.

 "Vili can only do so much! Five minutes into knowing, he started going on about how,“ Dis lowers her voice comically, ” _Uh, son, your first love is never your true love. You gotta wait until you’re older, boo hoo, mustaches_.“

“Boo hoo, mustaches.” Thorin repeats with an exhale.

“Exactly! Now, I love my husband, Thorin, really, but he’s honestly shit at this. Kili needs to talk to a bloke who isn’t all about life lessons and getting a poor fifteen year old to give up his first love.” Dis explains, which only serves to confuse Thorin further.

“I don’t think I’m fit to give… romantic advice?”

“Yes, you are! Come on, remember when you we were younger and you were all about giving people you liked little gifts? All about buying necklaces and expensive watches for them?”

Thorin groans.

“That one time you gave a guy  _cuff links_! That was cute, Thorin!” Dis begs.

“You want me to tell your son to give a girl cuff links?” He truly, truly wants to sink into his seat and disappear. 

“No, I just want you to try to talk to him! He doesn’t want advice from me and Vili’s as romantic as your average brick - his idea of telling me he liked me was doing that thing with his tongue where-”

“God!” Thorin hollers, “Don’t! I’ll do it! I mean, I’ll try. Just…” He sighs, “You want me to talk to him during the barbecue, or…?”

“Come over this weekend,” Dis hums triumphantly, “Thank you, Thorin.”

“Yeah.” He swallows.

Completely content with her progress, Dis checks her watch and pats the table. “Well, I think it’s time to go, don’t you think? I bet the boys are sleeping in.”

Thorin merely hums, lifting up his coffee and finishing the rest of the, by now, chilled liquid. 

Dis grabs her bag and shuffles out of the booth, taking her drink up in hand and calling as she walks off, “I’ll call you! Say hi to your boyfriend for me!”

“I don’t-!” Useless. Thorin gives up and glowers into his empty cup, soon setting it down in favor of digging out his mobile and checking his texts. 

**Alright, busy bee**  
**BB**

**Btw though, if u dont wanna send a dick pic, u could send a pic of ur ass instead**

**Or both ;))) id make it up to you**

**BB**

**With pics of sergeant acorn!!! xoxo**  
**BB**

Dis  _did_  remind him that he likes giving gifts. 

**I’ll send some your way when I get home.**  
**T**

**Xoxo**  
**T**

Thorin smiles, leaves a tip on the table and gets up to leave.

   ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!!! sRRY IF ANYTHING SEEMED OOC IM STILL GETTING BACK IN MY GROOVE PLEASE EVERYONE TELL ME WHAT U THINK ....
> 
> get PUMPEd for the durin family!!! this cant be all smut :-)


	7. Big, googly, cuddly monkey bear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin sends Bilbo nudes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the butt pic pose def looks like [this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/83/8f/7d/838f7d0e7ca6415d3cc9248f29e79992.jpg)

Fuck. God dammit.  _Holy fucking shit_. 

Thorin doesn’t know how to do it. Not a hint of an idea how to pose in front of a mirror and look sexy with his back toward it. He’s sure he has the clothes down; a plaid button up with the sleeves rolled to his elbow and black boxer briefs, but fuck him if he doesn’t think he looks like a complete plank, standing there all awkward and twisted around.

What makes it worse is the pressure. Idle dreams of coming home and immediately stripping for the day and spending endless hours getting more of the best orgasms of his life was shattered as soon as he walked in the door. Thorin really should have expected that Dis would call him, going on about how she “forgot” to mention how much she loves her husband, her “big, googly, cuddly monkey bear” (her words) who makes her the happiest person on earth. It was all clearly just a different way of saying, “I love my man and I might not know who you’re dating, but I know there’s someone and one day he might be your big, googly, cuddly monkey bear. So, maybe if I talk to you about mine, you’ll tell me about yours,” except the route she went ended up going on for hours. Honestly, Thorin has no idea how he could waste so much precious orgasm time denying that he wasn’t in a relationship, but he had and now he was an embarrassed, flushed, half naked mess.

An embarrassed, flushed, half naked mess who eventually cracked and  _googled it_. Thorin sits down at his desk and types in two words that’ll forever scar him as the most humiliating thing he’s ever looked up.

_Booty pics_. Fucking booty pics. He has no idea, but it seems like what these things would be on the internet under, guessing from how… well,  _dick pics_.

Thorin’s right, certainly, he feels like a sneaky teen on his damn mom’s laptop, looking at this stuff. But, half of the images were obviously taken by someone else, and the rest would call for him to be more “curvy.”

Useless. Thorin scoffs to himself, attempting a last time to find a, what? A fucking reference? Jesus.

_Booty pics MEN_.

Even worse. It’s all underwear and boxer ads. Thorin gives a frustrated groan and goes to delete his history. He pushes himself from his desk, phone in his sweaty grip as he stands in the mirror once more. Just one more try to not look like he’s trying to hard to impress his… someone. Whatever Bilbo was to him. 

Back turned at an angle towards the glass, Thorin has to legitimately struggle to not look so angry when holding his mobile directly above his shoulder and opening the camera.

_God, but what does he do with his other arm?_

In a desperate attempt, he bunches up the front of his shirt in his palm and clenches the fabric against his lower belly. The pull provides a clear view of the dip in his lower back and the muscles stacking above. It isn’t half bad.

Thorin snaps the picture and holds his phone in both hands. He glares at the photo, chewing the inside of his cheek and just wondering. Maybe Bilbo wanted to see him in those panties and not this. Perhaps Bilbo wanted him naked.

Thorin wouldn’t admit it, but he’s agitated. Very clearly agitated, but if approached about it, he would grunt and wave it off. He doesn’t know  _what_  he is to Bilbo, and it’s doing its damned best at getting him on edge and flustered. Bilbo was nice. Bilbo wears cute glasses and nice clothes, plus he’s outrageously good at getting Thorin to cum. Who knows, maybe Thorin wanted to talk to him more, know more about his life, have Bilbo become his big, googly, cuddly monkey bear.

No. He knows. Thorin definitely wants that, and he could get it.

_I’d make you love that, you know_.

Thorin plops down on the edge of his bed with hope sizzling in his chest. Soon, Bilbo might let him buy him something. After all, he has all of that money and nothing to do with it.

He finally texts.

**Sorry it took so long. :-)**  
**[IMAGE ATTACHED]**  
**T**

It takes a few minutes for a reply, but as soon as he gets it, any stress or worry Thorin has withers away.

**:OOOOOOO!!!!!!**  
**BB**

**YOURE GORGEOUS ! ! !!!!!!!**  
**BB**

Bilbo’s a liar. He is twelve.

**Don’t overdo it.**  
**T**

**Im not!! im doing it as much as it needs to be done!**  
**BB**

**Ur so gorgeous**  
**BB**

**Id love to bend you over and pull up that shirt and kiss all every inch of your back :)**  
**BB**

Of course. Thorin grins to himself and automatically moves to lay down in the center of his bed, head propped up against the pillows.

**Would you like to call me and talk about that?**  
**T**

**Yes!!!!!!**  
**BB**

Seconds later, Thorin’s mobile rings and he’s eager to answer. 

“Mm,” Bilbo’s hum comes instantly to his ear, “I guess I’ll work you up so you can get me that dick piccy ang-”

“Fuck, stop calling it that.” A short laugh bursts from him, Thorin setting the phone between his shoulder and ear before pulling down his briefs to pool at his ankles. With knees bent and feet planted on the mattress, he exhales. “Just talk about what you mentioned earlier.”

“What did I mention?” God, he’s smug already. Already.

Doesn’t matter. Thorin lowers his voice, and though Bilbo can’t see, his eyelids droop, “You sucking me off.”

“Oh, yeah,” Bilbo clicks his tongue, “I do really want your cock in my mouth.”

A small pause. 

“You know, whenever I’m out in public, I always think about what it’d be like to bump into you.”

Thorin suddenly doesn’t know what to say. Could Bilbo be leading up to…?

“And I wonder how you’d like it if I did, and immediately dragged you into the nearest bathroom by the hand.”

Of course.

“‘Cause I think you’d be charmed by the idea of me shoving you into a stall and getting on my knees for you.” Bilbo laughs, “You’d look so shocked, I bet. So cute.”

“I would be-” Thorin stops to clear his throat, moving a single hand to begin rubbing the inside of one of his thighs, “I would be. Charmed, I mean. I would like to- I’d like it if you did… that.” He’s never sounded this damn disheveled.

“Goodness, what’s that all about? Do you just really like blowjobs or public sex? No, don’t answer that, just close your eyes and listen.” Another short break before Bilbo speaks again, “Think about how good it’d feel to be pressed up against a stall wall, Thorin… I feel I’d look fairly nice on my knees for you, my hands running up and down your legs. Oh, God, and I’d want to reach around and grab your ass.”

Thorin exhales, taking the phone from between his shoulder and ear to hold it directly against him for fear he may miss a word. In the meantime, his hand grips the flesh surrounding his cock, relenting from the urge to touch himself just yet.

“I like to think that you’d be the type who would be against the whole thing… Until I lean forward and mouth at your hard-on through your jeans, looking directly up at you. You’d break so easily for me, like you always do, Thorin. I’d hear that sigh you do when you start getting turned on- like the one you just did -and then hear the little thump of the back of your head against the wall. Are you touching yourself yet?”

“Hmm?” Thorin hums, “No, I… I wanted to wait until you took me in your mouth.”

A chuckle, “Oh, good, ‘cause I’ll take my time unbuckling your belt, maybe drag down your zipper with my teeth after unbuttoning your trousers. I want to hear you curse when i yank down your jeans impatiently just to lean forward and breathe against your pants. Would you grab and pull my hair if I was a little tease and licked there too?”

“God,” He’s already fucking throbbing, it’s really not fair, “You know I would. You’re always a damn tease.”

“Yes,” Bilbo pants, “You’d push my face against you, but it doesn’t do anything to relieve you, of course. I know you can get rough, Thorin, I wouldn’t be opposed to you holding me away while you push down your briefs and then bring me forward again and order me to suck you.”

“But how quickly would you actually do it?” Thorin growls.

“Immediately, just for you. With your fist still in my hair, I’d grab you at your base and wrap my lips around the head of your cock. You’d love the way I tongue at your slit while you try to bring me down further.” Bilbo elicits a small moan, one that only has Thorin sweating more to know that he’s not the only one getting off.

“Wait,” Thorin puffs, finally taking himself in hand with his thumb steady against his shaft to keep himself lifted. With only slightly trembling hands, Thorin goes to his messages and opens the camera from there. He takes a barely focused picture and sends it without delay, just to press his phone back to his ear with a triumphant grin.

It takes a few moments to hear the rattle of Bilbo’s mobile vibrating, but when it does, he gets what he never expected.

Bilbo laughs. He fucking  _laughs_.

“What the fuck?” Thorin glares.

“Aw!” Bilbo whines, “The little vein running up it is so cute!”

Oh, my fucking _God_.

“Shut the fuck up and make me cum.” He’s never sounded so deadpan serious with Bilbo before, and it clearly has an effect considering the small gasp he hears.

“Oh, yes, sir.” Bilbo muses, “I love how thick you are, Thorin. It’s almost too much, but I wouldn’t shy away from taking you deep into my mouth, as fast as you would drag me down… Feeling you against the insides of my cheeks, so heavy on my tongue, mm…”

“Yeah?” Thorin whispers, wrapping his index and thumb around his cock to mimic the feeling of Bilbo’s lips. Squeezing, he begins to pump himself patiently. “Do you have a sensitive gag reflex, Bilbo? What if I’d like to fuck your mouth?”

“You can do whatever you want with me. Grab me by the sides of my head and use me as your own personal fleshlight, I’d take all of you in my throat, promise… Sucking down on you when you pull out and opening up when you thrust in. Anything, as long as I can hear your moans. A few compliments wouldn’t go amiss either.”

“Oh, fuck, you’re so warm.” Thorin groans, shutting his eyes and rolling his head back, keeping a steady pace of flicking his wrist though occasionally stopping to thumb at his slit. “But I want to know how long I can be in your throat before I need to pull out.”

“I can last a bit, I think,” Bilbo stops to breathe heavily, a little whine from him going a long way to start a knot in the pit of Thorin’s belly. “I’d do my best to swallow around your girth, but you can’t be mad if I grabbed and squeezed your hips a little too hard.”

“Never.” Thorin instantly retorts, clamping down his phone against his shoulder once more to wrap both hands completely around his cock. He thrusts up once and released a pitiful whimper, “Oh, shit… shit, Bilbo. What if I want to cum down your throat too?”

“Well…” Another blissful sigh, “aren’t you just wanting the whole package. All of this in a public bathroom?”

“Bilbo, I'm  _going_  to cum down your throat.”

A sharp moan cuts through Thorin’s warning from the other line.

“You know what I’m going to do when I cum?” His voice goes rough, Thorin bucking up into his palms greedly, “Do you want to know what I’m gonna do, Bilbo?”

“Oh, yes,  _please_.” Bilbo cries.

“I’ll move you so that your in the corner between the walls, and then I’ll grab you and fuck your mouth mercilessly. You might not hear my moans over your gagging, but I’ll still shove my cock deep in your throat and cum down it.” Thorin practically growls, “Will you swallow it all for me? For all the times I’ve let you cum inside me, will you take what I give you?”

“Yes!” Bilbo releases a moan of climax before a long stream of mumbling Thorin’s name. It’s all the confirmation he needs to drive himself into his hands before coming into his grip, back arching off the bed and his breathing erratic.

For a minute, they’re both uselessly panting into the speakers. Thorin lays with his hands covered in his own seed and his mobile slipping off his shoulder-

“Shit,” He hisses, “Hang on.”

Thorin gets up and speed walks to his bathroom with his palms far away from touching anything that wasn’t the towel hanging from its rack. Wiping off the sticky liquid and cleaning off his softening cock, Thorin opts to just toss the towel in the sink before returning to his bed where he sits at the end after grabbing his phone back.

“Bilbo?”

“You good?” Bilbo replies softly, already seeming groggy.

“What? Oh, yeah, I-”

Bilbo cuts him off, “You should take charge more often. Really sexy.”

“Is it?” Thorin laughs, moving to lay back horizontally on his bed, his limbs sprawled every which way.

“Mm, yeah. I still want to be the one fucking you most of the time, but, that was… great.”

But they  _aren’t_  actually fucking.

“Hey, Thorin?”

“Yes?“ 

"What were you busy doing earlier?” Bilbo asks, leaving catching Thorin off guard, “If it’s alright to ask, I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“It’s no problem.” Thorin retorts, “I was out getting coffee with my sister.”

“I didn’t know you had a sister.”

“I do, and a brother.” Thorin corrects.

“That’s nice. What were you two talking about?” Truthfully, Thorin can’t tell if Bilbo sounds genuinely interested, but he’s too tired to try to decipher his tone.

“A barbecue she’s arranging.” Thorin waves a hand at nothing, shutting his eyes, “Just for family, but she tried to turn it into some sort of blind date.”

“Oh.”

_Fuck._

“-Which I turned down!” Thorin huffs defensively, “I don’t… They never work out.”

“Right.” Bilbo sounds completely emotionless, but after leaving Thorin to panic for a few seconds on what the Hell to say, he adds, “You aren’t seeing anyone, Thorin?”

Shit. Shit.  _Shit. Fuck. Fuck._

“I… don’t think so?” God dammit. He’s not prepared for this.

“Just asking.” Bilbo’s gone quiet. He’s gone quiet.  _Thorin fucked up_. “Anything else you two discussed?”

“I, uh.” He’s about to have a fucking heart attack, “I’m going to visit my nephews tomorrow.”

“Mhm,” Does Bilbo sound pissed? Is he angry? Holy fucking shit. “Well, I think I’m going to go to bed now. I’ll talk to you later, Thorin.”

Thorin doesn’t reply, nor react when his phone clicks to signal the call being ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> kili and thorin next chapt :-)


	8. Advice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili needs girl advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just gotta say tbh ,, i rly like this chapt..............

Thorin’s just being silly. He can hear Bilbo in the back of his mind, tisking at his anxiety. There was a perfectly good reason for the shitty small talk, and the heart palpitations and lack of sleep that followed their phone call was completely unnecessary.

Still, it happens, and the morning after leaves Thorin groggy and irritable. He sleeps for a short while before waking up at the crack of dawn with nothing to do. He ends up sitting on his bed with his laptop in his lap, browsing the very damn website that started it all.

No, no,  _not_  browsing. Stalking. Thorin will admit that he’s stalking Bilbo’s profile. His last activity shows to have been on the day Thorin did his previous show, and it’s… comforting. He likes the idea that Bilbo hasn’t watched anyone else, but the news does fucking nothing to ease Thorin’s mind.

Bilbo could be jealous, is all. Jealous of the idea of Thorin seeing someone else- but, he wasn’t. Thorin specifically said he wasn’t seeing anyone.

Bilbo could also be sad because Thorin doesn’t consider them an item. He would really prefer that possibility, but he could scarcely believe it.

Either way, staying on the webpage is useless. Thorin shuts his laptop and sets it on his nightstand before going for his mobile to check the time.

Three texts. At eight in the morning. Thorin blindly decides that it’s just Dis asking whether he was still able to come over for a while and puts the phone back where he got it.

Thorin begins his morning routine after coming to the conclusion that waiting around for even longer wouldn’t do him any good. He puts on a pot of coffee, showers, spends longer than necessary standing in the kitchen in his smallclothes drinking from a mug, and then gets dressed. For just a few hours at his sister’s home, Thorin’s attire consists of a bland, solid colored tee and old jeans. After downing another cup or so of bitter caffeine, he’s on his way to Dis’ before the clock strikes ten.

When he gets there though - god dammit, as soon as he knocks on the door and stuffs his keys in his pocket - Dis is opening with one of her Haha-got-you smiles.

“Thorin!” She calls and steps forward to swing her arms around her glowering brother’s neck. Dis practically hauls him down to her height, leaving Thorin to grumble and groan.

“What’s this?” He’s staring suspiciously at Vili. A completely dressed and ready to go Vili. So is Dis, if he’s talking about people who look like they’re ready to leave for a day of work. 

As she releases her grip on Thorin, Dis pats his shoulder and goes to grab her husband’s hand. “A surprise?” She laughs, “Me and Vili are going to the movies and stuff and,” Dis puckers her lips and whines, “We were hoping you’d look after the kids…”

“It’d be a big help, mate,” Vili joins while the both of them begin making not-so subtle steps away from the house door, around a blindsided Thorin and towards their car.

“You tricked me into watching your children.” Thorin states blandly.

“Oh, it isn’t that bad!” Dis puffs, digging her hand into her purse for her keys. “You can invite your boyfriend if you want! We just,” She stops and huffs at Vili who apparently already had the said keys and is currently dangling them in front of his wife’s face, “we don’t get out often, and we have this perfectly…  _free_  and  _available_  brother, don’t we honey?” Dis snatches the keys from Vili and unlocks the car doors. “Please? It’ll just be for a few hours, we’ll take you out to lunch when we get back!”

Thorin exhales, “They’re old enough to look after themselves.”

“No!” Dis is already easing herself into the car, “They’ll burn the house down, trust me.”

“Frerin can look after them.”

“God, you know he’d just help them burn the house down!” Dis and Vili finally shut themselves in the vehicle, but Dis doesn’t dare drive off without rolling down her window and waving, “Thank you so much! Love you!” She makes embarrassing kissing noises after that, smooching her palm and thrusting her hand forward towards Thorin as the car leaves - more hurling kisses than blowing them really, but that was Dis for you.

He honestly doesn’t know whether or not to be angry. It was an asshole move, sure, and Thorin’s moderately grossed out when wondering what Dis meant when she said “movies  _and stuff_ ,” but it wasn’t like he was here to spend the day with her and Vili in the first place. With a sigh, Thorin steps inside the house and closes the door behind him. Toeing off his shoes and nudging them against the wall, he goes upstairs and knocks on Kili’s door.

“Who is it?” The teen calls between the muffled background noises of guns shooting and people screaming.

“King of Durin’s folk.” Thorin replies sarcastically, grinning.

Kili laughs from behind the door, “Hey, uncle Thorin!”

Taking it as an invitation, Thorin opens the door and enters the room. His youngest nephew sits at the foot of the bed, eyes glued to his TV screen and game controller in hand. He would’ve felt unwanted if it weren’t for the wide smile Kili bears.

“Where’s your brother?” Thorin asks while letting himself flop down on Kili’s bed, Kili hollering out of complaint instantly.

“Don’t do that!” He hisses, “Fili went back to bed after Mom woke him up.”

Humming, Thorin makes himself comfortable on top of his nephew’s blankets. Possessively stacking up all the pillows under his head, he hooks an ankle over the other and lays with his hands comfortably above his head. “You know where they’re going?”

“She said shopping and to the movies.”

“Did you know I was coming?”

Kili scoffs, “Yeah, she said either you were gonna show up and make us do chores.”

Thorin looks around the room, taking note of the empty hamper and the lack of empty soda cans on the table beside him. “Chores?”

“We did them last night so you wouldn’t make us.”

“Oh,” Thorin laughs and falls silent for a few moments. This isn’t going to do.

After letting Kili get focused on his game again, Thorin lifts a socked foot and nudges his nephew with it who cries, “Stop!” in the middle of a chortle.

Thorin does it a second time, this time plopping the limb on Kili’s lap, though letting it be pushed off just a few seconds later.

“Uncle Thorin!”

“Get off the game,” He says simply, “I need to talk to you.”

Kili whines, “My grades are okay and yes, I have friends!”

“Not about that.” Thorin lifts his feet and sets one on each of Kili’s shoulder blades. Tentatively, he pushes forward and pulls back at a steady pace before his nephew finally huffs and shuts off his game. ~~  
~~

After turning off the console, Kili scoots up on the bed and sets the controller on his side table. Grabbing the remote instead and changing the channel back to cable, he turns to look behind him and only protests. “You don’t need that many pillows.”

“I’m a king.” Thorin states mockingly, releasing a small mock gasp when Kili snatches one from under his head to use for himself. 

“No one likes greedy kings, uncle Thorin.” Kili sets the cushion between his back and the headboard, resting back before beginning to click through the channels.

Dropping any hopes for complete attention, Thorin sighs and sits up, position duplicate to his nephew’s. “Your mother tells me there’s a special girl in your life now.”

“She told you that?!” Kili yelps, casting a helpless look of worry in his uncle’s direction.

 _Well_.

“She said you can’t stop talking about her.” Thorin smiles down at Kili, “She says you need advice.”

“I don’t!” With a childish scowl, Kili flushes and looks back to the television. “It’s just… I don’t know how to talk to her, and dad and mom don’t help.”

Thorin rests the back of his head against the wall behind him. “Your mom said you refuse to talk to her about it.”

“I tried! Mom just keeps getting too excited about it and using that weird voice she does when she’s really happy about something.”

“The high pitched one?”

“Yeah.”

“I see,” Thorin muses to himself, leaving Kili to give up his awkward search for a network hosting anything he was interested in. Stopping on a cooking show, his nephew sourly sets the remote back to the side and sits back quietly. 

“Have you-”

“I don’t need advice,” Kili intercepted bitterly. “I know how to talk to girls.”

Thorin simply smiles and shrugs. “Have you ever actually talked to her?”

Kili crosses his arms and pouts like an actual five year old. “Not yet.”

“Why?”

“It’s hard.”

“ _Why_?”

“Because I think she likes someone else already.” Kili groans and slides down so that his back meets with the mattress. “She always hangs out with Legolas.”

Thorin scoffs, “He’s probably like his father. He could be a complete doucheba-”

“Uncle Thorin!”

Thorin glares momentarily. “Fine.” Following in his nephew’s steps, he slips down and lays flat on the bed, “You shouldn’t let that stop you though. You won’t ever find out if she likes Legolas  _unless_  you talk to her.”

“Yeah.” Kili sighs, frowning at the TV.

“Compliment her the next time you see her. Mom told me about how much you like her hair.”

Kili just nods, brimming to the core with embarrassment.

“But, honestly, I don’t see how you could care so much about hair when you rarely brush yours.”

“Shut up!” Kili cracks a grin that Thorin returns, unfolding his arms and messing with his fingers nervously. “Is that what you did with your boyfriend? Complimented him?”

“ _What_?”

“Mom said you have a boyfriend.”

_Jesus Christ._

Thorin opens his mouth to spew his denial but shuts it instantly. Anything to inspire hope, he supposes.

“ _He_  complimented  _me_.”

“Yeah? What did you do when he did?”

He doesn’t have to think real hard to turn a… mature memory into a PG one.

“I told him my name,” Thorin smiles to himself, “and my number.”

“Okay,” Kili nods and furrows his brows in thought. “I can do that.”

“The greedy king can be smart sometimes.” Thorin lets out a chuckle, followed by a brief yawn.

“Sometimes!” Kili twitters back.

“Only sometimes,” Thorin agrees, shifting onto his side and shutting his eyes. “You should invite her to that barbecue your parents’ are having soon.”

Without him seeing it, Kili nods and beams with his new hope. Neither of them say anything from there, Thorin drifting off into a light sleep as a result to the lack thereof from the previous night.

* * *

“Uncle Thorin.” A voice breaks through his slumber, hands shaking his shoulder, “Uncle Thorin!”

“Mm,” Thorin groans, rolling over onto his opposite side stubbornly.

A sigh and whine. “Uncle Thorin, your phone keeps going off!”

“Yeah.”

“Answer it!”

“Sure.” Grumbling, Thorin waves his hand in no particular direction, not making an attempt to get up or even open his eyes until he feels the vibrations in his pocket for himself. With a grumpy huff, Thorin blindly digs his hand into his pocket and pulls out his mobile. Even in the bright room, bringing the glowing screen to his face stings. Still, he can read.

11 Texts. 

 **Good morning handsome :)**  
**BB**

 **Srry if i sounded off @ the end of our call last night. really tired!!!**  
**BB**

 **I forgot to tell u then to have a good day with your nephew(s??? idk how many u said u had) xoxo**  
**BB**

 **U know now that ive said it, i really have been thinking about running into u in public**  
**BB**

 **Itd be a good thing, i mean. id be happy to actually see u.**  
**BB**

 **Because ur gorgeous**  
**BB**

 **But also because i like you but if thats odd to say im sorry**  
**BB**

 **OH!!!!**  
**BB**

 **I forgot i was going to send u pics of sergeant acorn for those pics of u ;)**  
**BB**

 **[IMAGE ATTACHED]**  
**[IMAGE ATTACHED]**  
**BB**

Thorin flips through the two photos repeatedly in his groggy haze, the first one being an outrageously focused picture of Sergeant Acorn’s chubby cheeks and the second one-

Oh,  _please_.

The second one is taken at an awful angle, showing Sergeant Acorn seated on Bilbo’s chest with Bilbo smiling in the background. Thorin believes Bilbo’s double chin from the perspective to be the real star there, however.

Slowly pushing himself up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, Thorin wipes his eyes and goes over the texts a second time.

“really tired!!!”

He knew he was overreacting.

“What time is it?” Thorin mutters aloud, looking up only to see both Kili and Fili sitting at the foot of the bed, playing a game together and completely ignoring Thorin’s existence.

“I don’t know.” Kili admits.

“Around three.” Follows Fili.

“Shit.” Thorin struggles to get to his feet, stuffing his mobile back into his pocket when accomplishing the said deed. “Your parents home?”

“Yeah.” Fili mumbles.

“They said you snore too much.” Kili adds.

Fili finally turns his head from the television and includes, “You do.”

“Good afternoon, Fili,” Is all Thorin says before walking out the door and too the living room. Stretching his arms in front of him, the device in his pocket buzzes a final time.

 **Id like to talk to u asap**  
**BB**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! REMINDER TO PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS I LOVE READING PPLS OPINIONS ON THIS FIC !!!! OR HMU AT [MY TUMBLR](http://bottomthorin.tumblr.com/)
> 
> yes, frerin will be in this :-)
> 
> anD YES, YOU GUYS WILL FIND OUT WHO WAS THE PERSON DIS ORIGINALLY INVITED TO THE BBQ. soon.


	9. Optimism and Perfect Rainbows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tHIS IS A SUPER SHORT CHAPTER IM ! ! ! !SORRY !!!! FORGIVE ME ..... SOME SHIT HAPPENED AND I SPENT ??? SEVERAL DAYS WITH MY ARM SWOLLEN AND HURTING BECAUSE I GOT BIT BY SOME SPIDER !!! GOD!!
> 
> i am soryr oismsr this might be awful be prepared for GARBAGE

"So," Dis huffs, "How did it go with Kili?"

"We could have talked about this back at the house."

"Shh! Just tell me!"

Thorin should have seen it coming. He should have known not to expect them to allow him to leave without "repaying" him in some way. Dis and Vili had spent, what? Twenty minutes trying to get him to go out to lunch with him? And when Thorin continually repeated his "It wasn't any trouble, really" line, Dis ended up convincing him that she'd drive him home (with Thorin's car) and just catch a cab to go back.

It was too much damn trouble, but this is his sister. It's always too much trouble.

"It went fine." Thorin frowned at her from the passenger seat.

Dis grinned. "Yeah? He actually spoke to you?"

"Yep. He said the only reason he didn't talk to you about it is because you get too excited."

"Tsk! So? My little boy is growing up!"

Thorin just hums and adds after a few moments, "I suggested he invite her to the barbecue."

"Is he going to?"

"If he ever speaks to h-"

"He hasn't spoken to her yet?!" Dis suddenly hollers, turning to gape at Thorin.

"Road!" Thorin yells back, to which his sister waves a hand at before turning back to the windshield.

"No, he hasn't," He continues, "Don't overwhelm him about it, okay?"

Dis pauses and loses her smile. "Do I overwhelm you, Thorin?"

"Often." Thorin replies blindly.

It takes a few seconds before Dis mutters a soft, "I'm sorry," that has Thorin mentally punching himself.

"It's not a bad thing," He sits up in his seat, "You may be the only one genuinely interested in my life."

She doesn't say anything.

"... Which is a good thing."

"Sorry!" Dis pipes up, brows furrowing. "I was just thinking. Do you have a boyfriend or not?"

Thorin scoffs and sits back again, grinning to himself. "I don't know." Is the only true way to say it.

"You don't _know_?"

"No, I..." Thorin shifts his gaze to the window. "I'm not sure. I haven't..."

Dis looks to Thorin and back to the road a few times before releasing a loud gasp. "Aww! You haven't asked him yet!"

"No." Agrees Thorin.

"Is it alright to ask his name?" Dis lowers her voice, clearly taking into account what her brother had said about being overwhelming.

"Well... Sure." Thorin nervously scratches his beard. He avoids all eye contact possible when mumbling, "His name is Bilbo," Under his breath. "Huh."

Dis muses, mainly to herself. "Bilbo... _Bilbo_."

"What?"

"' _Hello, this is my brother-in-law, Bilbo_.'"

"Dis!" Thorin flushes.

"Calm down! Just a joke!" She laughs, "It's a cute name! Do you have a picture of him?"

Thorin responds quickly. "No."

His sister just huffs. "Yes, you do."

"Yes, well." Thorin stammers, "If we start dating, I'll show you."

Good _lord_ , he can practically _feel_ how much  Dis wants to jump in her seat.

"Why don't you invite him to the barbecue?!" She cries.

"Oh, God, _no_."

"Come on! It'll be fun!"

"Are you inviting Gandalf?"

"Yes."

"It'll be a disaster." Thorin instantly determines.

"What makes you say that?!" Dis whines.

"Because! You might be inviting everyone in the family, but he'll invite everyone in the neighborhood!" He groans, "Then, suddenly, he'll be taking fifty fireworks out of his ass and getting us all fined for disturbing the peace."

Dis chortles, but shrugs in mild agreement. "Maybe, but it'll be worth it! A nice first date, huh?"

Thorin relents just as Dis is turning onto his street. "I'll think about it."

"Good enough for me." Smiling in triumph, Dis parks the car in the driveway. As soon as they're both stepping out, she's practically running to the opposite side of the vehicle to slap both her palms on each of Thorin's cheeks and squeeze. "My little man," She purses her lips.

"I'm forty one-"

"Going to go get himself a husband." Dis finishes despite Thorin's interruption, patting her brother's face before handing him his keys. "I want updates on what happens."

"Yeah." Thorin rolls his eyes and pockets the keys. "Let me call you a cab."

"Absolutely not! I have my own phone, you go seal the deal with your boo."

" _Christ_."

"Love you." Dis sings, turning on her heel and leaving down the street.

* * *

 

Okay, yes, Thorin will admit it now. He is a huge baby. He's just a strangely tall, six year old who's outrageously under qualified for his job. He truly doesn't know how he's made it this far in life.

Because, really, how many times has he read over the texts?

Getting settled in was fine enough. Thorin had carelessly tossed his keys on his kitchen counter, toed off his shoes in the center of the hallway, and disappeared into his room just to reemerge in baggy pajama bottoms and an old T-shirt. Then, came the ceremonial grabbing of the bottle of beer from his fridge and collapsing on his sofa (this time with a tense twist in his gut). The next part involved watching repeats of animal shows until he passed out, except not today.

Today Bilbo wanted to talk to him ASAP.

Today he reads over the several blunt messages to make sure he isn't understanding it wrong.

He scans them once, then twice, a third time, and by the fourth he's come to the conclusion that he's stalling.

**But also because i like you, but if thats odd to say im sorry **  
**BB**

_God._

**Id like to talk to u asap **  
**BB**

_God. God, God, God._

Thorin desperately holds onto the reasonable idea that Bilbo wants to talk about his positive, growing feelings for him when he finally calls.

"Hey."

Fuck, why does he sound so glum?

"Did you want to talk over text?" Thorin's already stammering from his own damn anxiety.

"Oh, no, I actually prefer it like this! Sorry, I was beginning to think you'd never call."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. 'Suppose I'm just nervous about what I've got to say."

Is he fucking dying? Did someone in his family die? Is Sergeant Acorn okay? Is Bilbo okay? _Did he meet someone else_? 

"Are you alright?" It's just the easiest, least questionable thing to ask.

"I'm fine, I just... Don't talk for a few minutes, okay? Let me talk."

Oh, my _God_.

Bilbo exhales across the line. "I just want to know if we're on the same page. Don't say anything."

Pause.

"I don't do that often, you know? I don't go around and give other men money online just to watch them cum. I mean, surely I've tried, but I've never gotten this far. Still, please, don't say anything."

Thorin's about to have a _fucking_ heart attack.

"By 'this far' I mean, I don't usually give them my number- even my name, I don't... I don't do that, okay? Fuck. I just. I told myself the reason for telling you this is because I like the people I'm with to know my feelings, but I'm not _with_ you. I just  talk you to orgasm and give you compliments and send you pictures of me and my bloody rabbit, Thorin, I mean."

He can hear Bilbo sigh and, if sound could tell him anything, Thorin would bet Bilbo's pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"I'm sorry, I sound bitter. I'm not bitter right now. I'm not mad about anything, I just need to tell you. I thought you could be at an advantage to know that I'm enjoying this. I really do enjoy what we're doing. Not just cumming, you know? I mean, that's great and all, don't get me wrong, but it's just. You. The _you_ part of it. You're a big, grumpy lump of hair who can't tell cats from rabbits and likes being called a cockslut."

A dream. This is just a dream. Thorin can't remember the last time his hands have trembled this much in a dream.

"But that's about all I know about you, other than the nephews part. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if you feel the same way, maybe we could learn more about each other. I"m not asking you out or saying we should meet up- maybe in the future we can -I'm just asking you to... Oh, God."

Bilbo starts laughing now, bit boasts of it, and it's making Thorin confused to the point of anger.

"I'm basically asking you to go steady with me! Oh, Hell, I really want you to go steady with me. That's it."

Thorin's drawing blanks at this point. With his mouth agape, he doesn't even know if he's breathing right now.

"Please talk now. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can tell m-"

"No!" Thorin clears his throat. "No, no. That's not... necessary. I'm not uncomfortable."

"Oh, yeah? That's good..."

"Mm."

"I guess I should ask, then?" Bilbo says. Good lord, he really can't think.

"Sorry, what?"

Bilbo chuckles. "Will you go steady with me? We don't have to call each other boyfriend or anything, I just realized that I'm very happy you're not seeing anyone. And if this all continues nicely, maybe we can... yeah. You know."

"I know." He doesn't.

"Do you need to think about it? It's no problem if you do, this is all strange to me too, so."

"Yeah." Think, _think, think,_ _**think**_.

"Okay. Alright. I'll let you think about it. That's perfectly fine. Do you want me to leave you alone when you do? I can refrain from texting you an-"

"No... No, that's... fine. You don't have to."

"Good, good. Well, I have work to do, so I'll text you later, I guess? Good. Great."

"Right." Thorin's fucking covered in sweat.

"I'm glad you're, at least, thinking about it, Thorin." He hums, and then the line goes dead.

 _What the fuck_?

He doesn't have to think about it.

Bilbo is a big lump of... _fucking_ optimism and perfect rainbows and Thorin _doesn't_ have to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first chapt ive actually proof read myself hell ,,, anyway IM SUPER SORRy for this damn. trash. the next chapt will have smut and if everything goes the way i want it to, a special cameo from a special someoneeeee ee ;+)
> 
> again, [hmu on tumblr.](http://bottomthorin.tumblr.com/)


	10. UPDATE

hey !!! im so sorry for making an update and just abandoning it again oh gosh. life's been so hectic but !! this will finally end !!!

my plan for this fic was to have bilbo & thorin meet @ dis's party she was planning. :+) azog was going to be in this !! but very briefly im sure i mentioned it in the chapter where dis and thorin were out together- someone he almost set on fire?? 

haha they werent gonna hav any conflict or anything, no big climax.. i just wanted them to meet and write a bunch of smut with them. pretty sure i planned one for thorins office!!

BUT... THING IS!! i realized i had an unposted chapter on here !! one i had written but didnt really like so i never posted it!!! i will post it after this update... please enjoy the last bit of it!!! i loved writing all of this !! thanks so much to everyone! 

also ! everyone can contact me on my tumblr with questions ! http://goix.tumblr.com/


	11. Foul Thing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin has a private moment in the bathroom.

Remember that bit where Thorin figured he wouldn't need to think about it? Think about whether he wants to "go steady" with Bilbo or not?

Well, that's a big fucking lie.

He _does_ need to think about it, but not like that. There's not a damn doubt in his mind that he likes Bilbo. Bilbo makes him smile and feel comfortable and desired. There was nothing to _not_ like about Bilbo.

Although, there was a lot to not like about Thorin.

If they go steady, it would very likely turn into an actual relationship. Then, Bilbo will want to meet Thorin. Bilbo will want to spend time with Thorin, fucking him or just sitting on the couch with him, it doesn't matter. They will need to meet each other. They will meet and Bilbo will realize that Thorin is awful.

Thorin's stubborn and too stoic. He doesn't like to be in crowds, he isn't polite worth shit, and he's repugnant.

Bilbo is the exact opposite.

It's fucking annoying.

Thorin spends a good portion of the next week reminding himself of it all, and on multiple occasions, he's gotten close to finally giving Bilbo an easy answer. A no. A no that saves him from inevitable disappointment and resentment.

But, Bilbo's doing this _thing_. He's started up regularly texting Thorin throughout the day. In the mornings, it's a cute;

**Good morning beautiful :)**  
**BB**

In the middle of the day, it's;

**I hope ur having a good day xoxo**  
**BB**

And at night, it's;

**Sleep well buttercup :***  
**BB**

Thorin replies to them all, how could he not? He returns the gestures and can't stop himself from fucking smiling at all the adorable "I'm not trying to rush u or anything!!!" texts that usually follow.

He likes Bilbo so much, it's pissing him off. He can't be broody and secluded when someone makes him so happy and social.

Naturally, Thorin broods at work. By the near end of the week, he's successfully kept to himself and avoided all conversations (other than the ones he has with Bilbo on his lunch break). He gets his work done like a good employee and certainly does _not_ keep Bilbo in the back of his mind throughout the day.

Most likely because he's in the front. More so when Thorin's mobile buzzes in his pocket just as he finishes reading over an essential contract.

**Would u like a treat?**  
**BB**

Thorin holds his breath. There goes his potential to get any more work done. Right out the fucking window.

He doesn't mind.

**Am I a dog?**  
**T**

**Hah!!!! u whine like one**  
**BB**

**Fuck you.**  
**T**

**Please ;)**  
**BB**

**But really**  
**BB**

**I have something for u**  
**BB**

**What is it?**  
**T**

**R u at work?**  
**BB**

**Yes.**  
**T**

**R u busy?**  
**BB**

**Not relatively.**  
**T**

**Good. get up & go to the bathroom**  
**BB**

**Why?**  
**T**

**Just do it :) for me??  
** **BB**

**Make sure u bring head phones w/ u  
BB**

Thorin sighs and pockets his phone. After shoving papers back in their folders and grabbing his keys (not to mention digging through his desk for the said accessory Bilbo requested), Thorin marches off to the bathroom once locking his office door behind him.

It may be silly to think, but part of him wonders if Bilbo is waiting in the bathroom. You know, if he somehow figured out where Thorin worked and knew how to get on this floor despite not working here.

He finds out in no time, though, that that is not the case.

**Now what?**  
**T**

**Go into a stall & lock it**  
**BB**

Thorin does just that. He doesn't need half a mind to wonder why he's doing this without demanding answers about what the fuck is going on.

**Okay?**  
**T**

**Get hard**  
**BB**

**WHY?**  
**T**

**Ok well i guess u don't need to be hard**  
**BB**

**Youll be hard soon enough ;)**  
**BB**

**What are you leading up to?**  
**T**

**Youll see!! will u get into a specific position for me?**  
**BB**

_What else can I do?_

**Yes.**  
**T**

**Thank u**  
**BB**

**Put in the head phones**  
**BB**

**Now i want you bent forward, ok?? over the toilet. brace one forearm on the wall so that you have your pretty little ass out**  
**BB**

More awkwardly than necessary, Thorin obeys.

**Done.**  
**T**

**Mm good boy :))**  
**BB**

**Listen to this. made it last night when i figured u might be sleeping**  
**[AUDIO ATTACHED]**  
**BB**

**Are you wanting me to masturbate!!???**  
**T**

**Duh?????**  
**BB**

**That's disgusting!**  
**T**

**U came in ur office for me last week!!**  
**BB**

**Come on**  
**BB**

**My dirty little cockslut do it for me**  
**BB**

Thorin hates him. He really hates Bilbo and how much he likes to follow his lewd orders.

He isn't about to contravene, however. Fuck no. Thorin ensures the buds are perfectly snug in his ears before turning on the given sound and wedging his phone back in his pocket.

" _You dirty slut, bend over for me_."

Thorin just about fucking loses it.

" _That's it, bend over for me_..."

Bilbo inhales on the track, his breath followed by the rustling of clothes that he would figure to be his trousers if he actually cared. This is tailored audio specifically for this scenario and it's fucking amazing.

" _You foul thing... Couldn't wait until we got home. Willing to risk getting in serious trouble just to have me. Tsk_."

Swallowing, Thorin leans forward further to rest his head on his forearm. His free hand already ventures to cup his crotch, squeezing and massaging the covered mass.

" _Not like I'm not flattered, nor displeased. You should see yourself. In a fucking bathroom stall, positioned over a damn public toilet all because you can't be patient. You have to have my cock now_."

Thorin briefly opens up his mouth with a ready reply, but has to stop himself.

" _You going to say anything? You going to defend yourself in any way to me, Thorin? Not even going to ask for it?_ "

Fuck Bilbo.

" _Just tell me one thing: are you hard right now? Already stiff just thinking about it? Answer me_."

"Yes," Thorin breathes for the disembodied voice, nearly silent.

" _Good, now shut up and do as I say. Don't undo your pants until I say so_."

His palm halts and adds more pressure on his groin.

" _Just feel. Feel me grabbing your clothed hips and pulling you back against mine. Can you feel me? I'm hard too, you know. I don't think there's anything I can't stand more than when you want it. When you do this shit just to get it. When you know you're being a needy little whore, but you don't care because you know I'll make you feel so good... I promise I'll make you cum, but just pay attention to this right now. Notice how each of my fingers dig into you, how the outline of my cock fits nicely against your ass._ "

Thorin willingly spreads his legs wider, as far as the sides of the stall will allow him before he's stopped. He bites his lip to hold back from any abrupt noises.

" _Don't fight it when I put one hand on the center of your back and push down a bit... Let me see how you arch like this.... Fucking beautiful. Now stay still as I reach around and grab you through your pants_."

The voice lowers into a whisper from there, Thorin moving his hand to mimic the details.

" _Don't make a fucking sound, 'less you wanna get caught. Be nice 'n still... Do you like how I grope you, love? Do you like having me against you like this? You better. You started this... We aren't moving until I get to cum deep inside you._ "

_Yes, yes, fuck me._

" _Let me go ahead and use both hands to unbuckle your belt. I press little kisses on your neck while unbuttoning and unzipping your pants afterward and, fuck, I can't help but rut against you... This was a very good idea, Thorin... But, good idea or not, I don't touch your cock. Instead, I hook my fingers under your trousers and briefs and yank them down. I love watching them pool around your ankles... You're so defenseless like this, so damn vulnerable_."

Thorin debates on whether or not to actually show his ass to no one within a public bathroom, though it's truly no argument. He grabs his mobile from his pocket and pops it between his teeth (thank fucking God for rubber cases) before carelessly pushing down his bottom layers with a trembling hand. The cold bites until Bilbo continues.

" _Oh, you dirty bitch... I'm enjoying this. I would stand here all day and play with your ass, but I can't. I have to unzip my pants and take my cock out because I don't want to wait either. I press my girth against one of your cheeks while I reach behind me and retrieve a packet of lube from my back pocket_."

Bilbo breaks character then and laughs, " _Convenient, right?_ "

Thorin grins, though loses it almost instantly as he takes himself in hand, pumping slow and tentatively.

" _Nevertheless, I bet you're just itching when hearing me tear it open with my teeth. Once I've squeezed some out on my fingers, I don't waste time wedging them between your ass cheeks- and I don't care if it's cold, keep your fucking mouth shut. Be nice and discreet when I push a finger into you."_ Bilbo groans, _"Fuck... You're so tight. I'm going to fuck you open, you know... My eager slut_."

He can't help but release the smallest, muffled whine. Thorin subconsciously thrusts his hips back onto nothing, hiding his face in the crook of his elbow.

" _A slut like you wouldn't want this to be so slow, would you?"_ Bilbo scoffs, _"I go ahead and add a second finger, without warning, and begin to scissor them in you. Despite how you squirm and even gasp, no, I don't give you forever before putting in a third. You want this, remember? Breathe and open up for me, Thorin... Be good for me... God, I want to be inside you so badly. Maybe I rush when preparing you, but I'll make it up later. As soon as I feel you're stretched enough, I pull out and rub the rest of the lube onto my cock_."

Thorin can dimly hear the flick of a cap and the licentious squelches of Bilbo doing just that.

" _Mm, I kick apart your legs now, spreading you with one hand as the other directs my cock to your hole. Are you ready, Thorin? Ready to be fucked silly in a restroom? You fucking whore... My gorgeous play thing. I finally thrust into you and take your hips in my hands again. God, nestled in you like this... I want to give you time to adjust, but you feel so good. You know you feel good._ "

Bilbo's starting to pant and slip on his words, pausing to breathe heavily while Thorin's struggling to keep his mobile from dropping into the toilet below.

" _I pull out and thrust back into you and, fuck, I know I'm not going to last long. Not with how tight and warm you are... But I believe it's alright with how much your thighs are trembling against mine. I can tell you're close, and to keep you from making any loud noises, I press forward and cover your mouth with one of my hands. The position then prohibits me from giving you those long thrusts I know you're drooling for, but I don't care. I grab your cock in the other and start pumping you as I pound into you as hard as I can- Go-d... Fuck, Thorin..._ "

Thorin moans as efficiently as he can, quickening his pace.

" _You like that, huh? You like being fucked against a wall like this, you filthy slut? Christ, I'm going to cum inside you... I-I'm going to cum, Thorin._ "

Fuck, he wants to scream out. He wants to beg and reach behind him and claw at Bilbo's hips, but he fucking can't. Instead, Thorin clenches his teeth down on his phone and begins thrusting forward to meet with his hand.

" _Oh, God, fuck, Thorin... Just a little bit more, a little bit-_ " Bilbo breaks off into a loud cry, his breathing hoarse against the microphone and deafening within Thorin's ears.

Thorin himself quivers and desperately strokes himself to orgasm, any noises being exchanged for enveloped grunts and loud inhales through his nose. He may as well be purposely missing the toilet, his cum hitting the porcelain around and the tiles of the wall before him.

It's a fucking mess. The audio ends when Bilbo's mewls do, and Thorin's never felt more damn wrecked and guilty than he does now. Stepping back from the loo, he takes his mobile out of his mouth and, when awkwardly pulling his pants and briefs back up, slips it back into his pocket. He quickly does up the buckle, zip, and button before wrapping provided tissue around the width of his hand and mopping up anything that didn't land in the water (everything).

Flushing the toilet, he does his best to straighten himself. He finally steps out of the stall and-

No fucking _way_.

Thorin's expression is a deadpan one as he approaches the sink. The man beside him tisks, reminding him he still has the head phones in his ears which he pops out and lets hang over his shoulder.

"Should have pegged you for the sort who'd do that disgusting shit."

"I should have known you'd be the kind who'd like to listen," Thorin retorts calmly.

"I just wanted to piss. I didn't expect someone to be wanking in the bathroom stall."

Thorin just sucks at his teeth and lathers his hands with soap. Once the man opposite finishes and flicks his fingers at the sink, he offers a curt nod in Thorin's direction as he turns to leave.

"Thorin."

_God, Thorin really doesn't like him saying his name._

"Smaug."

_What a fucking douchebag._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so so much to everyone who supported me through this fic!! im so sorry to suddenly stop it like this... i feel really bad but i wouldnt be able to write more because im just not that interested in the hobbit anymore! and im trying to finish up school and move to a new state ! im going to be very very busy ... i love all of you!!

**Author's Note:**

> whole story based on [an anon](http://bottomthorin.tumblr.com/post/114279930236/camboy-thorin-he-gets-off-on-touching-himself-for) sent to me by [trekkiechick](http://trekkiechick.tumblr.com/)


End file.
